#genuinely every outfit i have worn so far this week falls into one of those two categories

[heich0e]

hey liv :) just wondering, do you have a certain clothing style/ aesthetic you gravitate to?

hope you have (had?) a good day!!

HMmmMMMMmMM!! i can't really point to a particular label or aesthetic but i feel like all of my clothes r definitely in the same style if that makes sense. kinda preppy i guess? but not like... hitting the golf-course kinda preppy. just like... mid preppy. eppy even. preppy with no PR.

(hope you have/had a good day too little guy!!)

[mortemersgf]

serendipity

hot couture: hazel nguyen x f!mc (arden moore)

summary: months after paris fashion week, a chance encounter reignites arden’s feelings for her former boss.

warning: suggestive themes.

word count: 2.2k

@choicesficwriterscreations

a/n: happy valentine’s day :D

click here for part two

Arden strides into Cremona’s, bearing a polite smile as patrons cast discreet glances at her. She slides into her usual table, the one located in the snug corner by the windows. It gives her an excellent view of the whole restaurant, allowing her to pick out who’s a diner and who’s a paparazzi pretending to be a diner.

She peruses the extensive list of dishes Cremona’s has to offer, settling on an order of Cacio e Pepe and a glass of white wine and murmuring a quiet thanks to the waiter as he glides away to prepare her dinner.

Some months ago, her eyes would have bulged at the price of the pasta dish. Now, she only breathes out a quiet sigh, too worn out to be startled.

Arden started her own business after the events of Paris Fashion Week. Her success in the states led to the opening of another branch in Milan. Since then, she’s been spending time in this beautiful city, solely focused on the task of overseeing the whole process. Milan is stunning with its vibrant culture, but Arden is lonely without Luz or Marco by her side.

She feels especially lonely this evening being Valentine’s Day and all. When she takes a gander around the restaurant, she sees couples after couples. A table to her left is sharing a slice of cake waist giggling to themselves. Two tables down, a man watches with adoration as his lover nibbles on her dessert, affection practically oozing out of his lovestruck smile.

Arden exhales slowly and unpockets her phone, swiping through various social media sites to pass time. A small smile dimples her cheeks as she reads positive review after positive review regarding her new collection. Who needs love when you have public validation? … Okay, me, but still. Her designs are being featured on the front covers of a range of fashion magazines. So long was the starry eyed newbie who picked up modeling as a means to work at Hazel Boutique.

Hazel Boutique… That’s a name she hasn’t heard in a while. Arden sets down her phone, fixing her gaze towards the kitchen. She must really miss her former job because she swears she sees Hazel Nguyen seated in the far corner, unbothered and nursing a glass of red wine as the man sitting across from her stomps away.

It’s indeed her. She’s wearing a dark dress that hugs her soft curves at all the right places with a dangerously high slit that teases her leg. Arden always found her tantalizingly beautiful no matter what she wore, but under the dim lighting of Cremona’s where the yellow gleam casts an ethereal glow on her, she looks all the more bewitching.

Arden is moving before she can absorb the absurdity of the situation, a hopeful smile spreading across her face.

“Hazel,” she breathes in greeting, “Hi…”

Hazel Nguyen, just as alluring as Arden had remembered, looks genuinely surprised. Her dark eyes widen. Goosebumps appear on her arms, sending chills down her back, the good kind. The kind you get when you see someone who you’ve been longing to see for the better part of a year.

She sets the wine glass down, eyes moving up and down the length of Arden in careful scrutiny before her gaze finally settles upon her starstruck features. An amused smile blooms on her face.

“Arden,” Hazel finally says, “Hello.”

Arden looks to the empty seat, asking, “May I?”

“Please,” Hazel nods. “How have you been?”

Arden slips into the chair, clasping her hands on her lap to keep her leg from bouncing in elation. “I’ve been good. Haut Monde has been doing well, too.”

“I know. I’ve been following your work.”

“You have?”

“Are you going to tell me you haven’t been following mine?”

“... Touché,” Arden says, recalling the way her eyes widened when images of Hazel’s new designs emerged online. They were fashionably elegant to say the very least, but the real prize was the genuine smile on Hazel’s face in those photos. She was posed among a crowd of local designers in Majorca, completely in her element. It was more than delightful to see her fall in love with creating once again.

Arden glances at the plate of untouched food sitting in front of her and shifts her gaze to the nonchalant woman across the table, mustering a small smile, “So, was that a supplier? An exec? He looked pretty upset.”

“That was my sorry excuse for a date.”

A date. Arden brushes off the strained feeling that washes over her with a small smile, willing herself to not bristle. It’s not as if they were anything more than a flirtation no matter how badly she wanted to be more with Hazel.

“Oh, that’s—that’s good. It’s good to date,” she murmurs, biting back a grimace as those words leave her lips. ‘It’s good to date?’ Really?

“Not so much when he’s an egotistical imbecile,” Hazel says, noting the way Arden’s posture tenses.

She pauses, letting the moment hang for another second before a faint, mischievous smile spreads across her face, adding, “That was Darren, my production manager. I don’t go on dates with just anyone, and I much rather prefer your company anyway.”

A surge of confidence rushes through Arden at the remark. She relaxes into her seat, huffing out a small laugh of relief, “Is that your way of saying you missed me?”

Hazel hums lowly, eyes slightly narrowed as she considers her words. Finally, after a brief pause, she reaches for her wine glass, swirling the dark contents gently. “I did miss your enthusiasm,” she says, “What happened? You look drained.”

Arden fights to keep her composure intact. She wants to slump over the table, truth be told. Running a business is tiring. “I am drained,” she admits, “Been stuck in meetings all day.”

“That sounds all too familiar.”

“Yeah, you wouldn’t know a thing or two about running a fashion empire, would you? Any advice?”

“You have a team, don’t you? Utilize them, don’t pile everything on yourself”—Hazel pauses, noting the earnest look in Arden’s eyes—“Find the balance between leading and creating. Don’t get lost in the system, and don’t lose sight of what’s truly important to you.”

Arden nods, taking in her counsel with the utmost sincerity. “Thank you for that. I’ll remember it.”

As a waiter passes by, Hazel raises a hand, speaking coolly, “Another glass for my friend here, and clear this plate, please.”

“Oh, that’s…” Arden mumbles.

“Scared to share a meal with me?” Hazel questions.

“No, that’s not it,” Arden says. She bites her lip in thought, meeting Hazel's inquiring gaze. Something about her look coaxes Arden to straighten her spine, confidence filling her chest, spurring her on to speak her mind.

“I’m just still processing us, you know?” she says. “You said someday you could be convinced.”

An amused smile plays on Hazel’s face. She leans in and places her index finger below Arden’s chin, tipping the latter’s head upward. Arden swallows and pushes to keep her expression even, though her warming cheeks gives everything away. She catches the familiar scent of jasmine and vanilla wafting from Hazel being in such close proximity with the woman, and her heart drums with anticipation. It brings her back to Paris, back to the balcony.

“I did, didn’t I?” Hazel says, voice sultry.

Arden hasn’t got a clue as to what’s going on in Hazel’s mind. The woman is absolutely unreadable and she loves it, the mystery of it all, the unraveling of her thoughts. Right now, having her lips only a breath away, Arden doesn’t care to figure out Hazel’s intentions. Her legs feel weak. She’s sure she’d stumble if she were standing.

“Have you eaten, Arden?” Hazel asks, moving her hand to Arden’s cheek, grazing her face ever so lightly.

Arden’s face flushes with heat as she struggles to meet Hazel’s intense gaze. Her teasing touch leaves tingles in their wake, sending a thrilling chill down Arden’s spine. What is she suggesting?

“I—no, I didn’t eat yet,” she answers, “but I don’t feel like having dinner right now.”

“I don’t either. Come with me.” Hazel drops her hand, moving to stand. She places several hundred dollar bills on the table.

Arden follows suit and shoots an apologetic look at the waiter who’d just strolled out of the kitchen with her meal. He flashes her an understanding smile as if to say, It’s okay. I get it. It’s Hazel Nguyen.

They leave in a flurry with Arden tripping into the elevator. The ride down is silent, but there’s visible tension in the air. She waits with bated breath for Hazel to move, to push her up against the wall or even spare her a quick look, but the older woman looks straight ahead, face impassive.

Ping!

Arden follows Hazel out of the restaurant and into the darkening streets of Milan. The cold rushes at her like a swarm of bees, leaving her shivering. She wonders how Hazel is able withstand the chill having only a faux fur shawl wrapped around her shoulders.

“So,” Arden begins, “where are we going?”

“Eager, are we?” Hazel answers, striding down the streets of Milan as if it were a runway, elegance laced in every one of her steps.

“Just wondering is all…”

After walking for another block, Hazel halts. They’ve stopped in the middle of a bridge that overlooks the canal. Arden breathes out a sigh of wonder at the sight of glittering lights reflecting off the water.

The sun is setting, painting the sky in vibrant colors of pink, yellow, and violet. It’s unbridled, bold, and stunning. The colors blend together so well, it tempts Arden to create an outfit, a new line, just something, based off of this sunset. She had been trapped in meetings that always ran long since she landed in Milan, which never gave her the chance to appreciate the simpler things the city has to offer. This scene before her envelopes her in serenity, and she wants to share that feeling.

Arden is inspired, but her trusty sketchbook is currently sitting on her nightstand in her hotel room to her utter luck. She didn’t expect to see such a sight nor did she anticipate running into Hazel, who is observing her carefully.

The sunset reminds Hazel of dusk time in Majorca. Half of the time, she worked in her beach suite with the setting sun as the backdrop. The other half, she was thinking about Arden, checking up on her work via social media whenever she had spare time. Hazel was invested, itching to message her a congratulatory text after her new collection sold out. Is. She is invested in Arden, and being away from the young designer has helped her realize that. Arden Moore is truly something else. She’s not just anyone.

“This is beautiful...” Arden breathes, “I bet I can do something with this color scheme.” She whips out her phone, snapping a couple of photographs at different angles.

“You haven’t changed after all,” Hazel comments. Her eyes trace over Arden’s beaming features before flitting to the water. The faintest smile graces her lips.

“That’s a good thing, right?”

“It is.”

“Does that mean you still like me?”

“You are relentless, aren’t you?”

Arden pockets her phone, looking at Hazel with a playful smile. “You didn’t answer my question.”

Hazel trains her gaze ahead, studying the horizon as she speaks. “I said you couldn’t handle me once. You were inexperienced, new to the fashion world, to this life. That was nearly a year ago, and I see that you’ve grown exponentially as a designer and a businesswoman while retaining your authenticity. That’s certainly invaluable. I admire your passion and drive, Arden”—she finally turns, meeting Arden’s hopeful gaze—“I pushed away all thoughts of starting another relationship after my divorce, but I may have to reconsider that.”

Arden is flushing with her mouth slightly ajar at Hazel’s confession. To think Hazel Nguyen, her ultimate idol and former boss might actually want to pursue a relationship with her is something she didn’t see coming. It’s a delightful surprise to say the least, one that makes her heart soar with glee. She decides to play coy though, just to get back at her for the months of lack of contact.

“Hmph,” she murmurs, “You never did arrange a plane for me to visit you, you know. I could’ve helped you come to that conclusion sooner.”

“You would’ve been a distraction to the creative process,” Hazel simply says, “Being in Majorca, creating and refreshing my perspective, was what I needed to remind myself why I do this in the first place.”

“That makes sense,” Arden agrees. A crooked smile finds its way to her lips as she adds, “But you couldn’t have sent me a text? Maybe a letter?”

“I’m willing to make that up to you.”

“... How so?”

“You’ll find out soon enough...” Hazel says, leaning in so her breath fans over Arden’s ear, adding, “in my hotel room.”

Arden’s face splits into an incredulous grin. “Are you asking me to come home with you?”

“Depends,” Hazel answers easily, the hint of a teasing smile resting on her luscious lips, “Are you accepting my invitation?”

As if Arden needed to be asked twice.

[bad-bitch-beauchamp]

Songs About Me: Chapter Five

Thanks for your continued support for these sweet artsy bairns! Here’s the next installment! I read all of your kind comments and they mean the absolute world to me.

READ ON AO3

Louisburg Square, Beacon Hill, Boston

Claire was just walking up to the picturesque green of Louisburg Square, where her townhouse sat facing the gardens, when her phone began an incessant buzzing. She had her hands full after stopping at the market for dinner staples (otherwise known as a box of Velveeta Shells & Cheese). She was fumbling with her purse and muttering a not-so-quiet “Shit,” when she dropped her keys on the porch. When she stooped lower to get the keys, more toiletries from the market spilled onto the ground and rolled down the steps while her phone continued to buzz. “Oh fuck it all to hell… Oh hello, Mr. Grant!” Claire’s next door neighbor was a kind man, but always appeared perplexed -- whether by her uncontrollable hair, clothes splattered with dirt from the shop, or simply by wondering how she came to be the owner of one of the most coveted real estate properties in New England, Claire would never know.

“Hello dear. Are you alright over there?” His brow was knit as Claire shoved her scattered belongings back into their various bags all while muttering under her breath as to not offend the old man’s sensibilities. She stood, and realized he had most definitely already heard her vocabulary choices.

“Oh, I’m fine, just one of those days!” One of those days where you fall head over heels for the strange guy you met last night and then all your shit falls on the sidewalk because your brain is short-circuiting.

“Well as always, if you need anything, I’m just here and happy to help.”

“Thank you! One day I’ll absolutely take you up on it -- I’m usually less of a mess!” She tried to joke it off, but it sounded a little too much like she was trying to justify herself to neighbor, and herself.

Mr. Grant smiled. “Of course, dear. Ah, you seem to be very popular today!”

Claire’s phone went off for at least the fifth time. She tried to reign in her annoyance, said her goodbyes to the man, and using her foot to kick a back of groceries inside the doorway finally made it inside. She dug around her bag for the phone ready to lash out at whatever telemarketer couldn’t take a hint, but stopped.

Two missed phone calls, four missed texts. The caller left a voicemail for each call. She pressed play on the earlier one.

“Hi Sassenach, uh, Claire, I guess I should call ye Claire since that’s yer name, huh? Shit. Hold on… Okay, let me start over. Hello Claire, this is Jamie. James. James Fraser? From the bookshop and the karaoke, ye ken? Of course she kens, ye damn eedjit… Me! Not you! Oh god this is literally the worst call I’ve ever made in my life. Fuck it, I’m just going to try again.” The voicemail abruptly ended. Claire was in stitches at his earnest attempt to just talk to her. At least he wasn’t lying when she heard him say she wouldn’t have to wait long at all for message from him. She pressed play on the second voicemail.

“Hello Claire, I hope this message finds ye well. It was verra nice to see ye today at my shop. It may be the cool, relaxed thing tae do would be to not call ye right away, but ye make me feel anything but cool and relaxed and under control. Ye make me feel… like there’s something different between us, mo nighean donn. As I told ye in the shop, I dinna think I can wait another week to see ye. If you would do me the honor of saying yes, I would verra much like to take ye out for dinner and drinks. Or anything ye wanted to do, really. Dinner and drinks was just my idea… okay I think I’m getting flustered again so I’m going to quit while I’m ahead. Okay thanks, talk to you soon hopefully, bye. Oh, and this is Jamie Fraser.”

Her laughter had died out the moment he said how she made him feel. Is that really how he felt about her? Did he mean it? Claire had a feeling that Jamie Fraser from the bookshop and the karaoke, ye ken didn’t ever say things he didn’t mean. She fell into the couch facing the big bay window, and breathed. Her breath came in heavy, her heartbeats fast. Her thoughts were swirling and her mind racing and everything felt light around here. A little breathlessly, she opened her text app to a number she didn’t recognize.

[+16178256192]: Hello Claire, this is James Fraser from Fraser Literature and from karaoke last night at The 21st Amendment.

Claire actually laughed out loud now. As if she could forget who he was! He had turned her world upside down at the bar, she sang in his shop, she gave him her phone number less than an hour ago! She added his number to her contacts before reading his following texts.

[Jamie]: Okay that was weirdly formal, sorry

[Jamie]: Could ye do me a favor and just delete the first voicemail?

[Jamie]: I was hoping we could maybe set up a time for the date I mentioned earlier at the shop? I would really like to see ye again before next week.

[Jamie]: And maybe before we have to hang out with the Spanish Inquisition. ;)

Claire laughed through her nose at that last one; apparently, Jamie had been grilled about their relationship? Interaction? by Rupert and Angus like Claire had been by Joe and Geillis. She reread all the messages he’d sent her before responding.

[Claire]: Hello James Fraser, owner of Fraser Literature and karaoke. I do indeed remember and even if I didn’t, you’ve reminded me several times in your many incessant texts/voicemails. ;)

Three dots immediately popped up, disappeared, popped up, and a next text appeared.

[Jamie]: I told ye to delete the first voicemail! You weren’t supposed to hear my rambling!

[Claire]: Uh huh, seems likely. ;) Maybe I have a super power that renders you useless around me?

[Jamie]: Well lass you're not far off.

[Jamie]: How’s about that date? What are you doing tonight?

[Claire]: Lol, you’re not tired of seeing my face yet?

[Jamie]: Not yet, not ever.

[Jamie]: Sooooooooo, dinner? ;)

Eventually, they decided on a little Italian place close to Claire’s place. Claire paced around the upstairs bedroom, trying out an outfit only to rip it off and throw it in a pile on the floor. She’d walk to the bathroom, evaluate her look, give a deep breath out her nose, and was now at the point of yelling about how she had no clothes. But, she remembered. In a garment bag at the back of her closet hung a blood-orange dress. A square neckline gave way to a triangle dip in the middle, the hem came just to the middle of her thigh with a cinched waistline.. She smiled, sadly. The last time she wore the dress, she was still in med school. Frank had asked her out to “a dinner with a few medical friends” and promised she could make a few connections to help her down the road. Claire ended up discarded at the door until Frank needed to show her off to a classmate or professor or colleague. She learned he hadn’t told anyone she was also studying medicine, telling her he “wanted to let you stand on your own, darling.” The last time she had worn that dress, she realized she wouldn’t resign herself to a life of being second-best to her partner, to a group of strangers, or to anyone. Tonight was the perfect time to remind herself she was taking things into her own hands yet again -- with Jamie at her side. Her smile turned genuine, and she pulled it off the hanger.

-- -- --

Jamie knew this was unusual. Claire wasn’t the first girl he’d ever been interested in, but if he had any choice in the matter, she would be the last one. Rationally, he should’ve been talking himself out of planning a future with the girl from the bar, but he couldn’t help himself. When he was in high school in Scotland, he kissed a girl who smelled like hairspray and spun sugar and he didn’t like that at all. He kissed a few lasses before rugby games and they’d tell him it was all for good luck. He enjoyed them (didn’t every red-blooded teenage boy enjoy kisses before sports games?), but enjoyment was the extent of it. In college, he had met Annalise. She was smart and kind and lovely, and so bonny. She’d loved his family, loved him. And he had loved her, too. Their relationship started after their first year at school when they became close friends and confidants. She was truly one of the best friends he’d ever had, outside of the lads. When he said he was leaving Scotland to pursue his dreams in the states, she said she was being “abandoned”. Jamie considered asking her to come with him to build a life, but reconsidered. After many long conversations, many tears, many honest words… they had decided their relationship was based in comfort. They loved each other, there was no doubt about that. They loved each other because of their close friendship, their proximity to each other at school, their families’ friendship that developed because of their own. When Jamie confronted Annalise about his realization that he would forever be grateful for her, but didn’t see a romantic future together, she had cried and told him she was so happy -- she felt the same. They split amicably and continued to call and text when they could. Friendships like theirs didn’t just dissipate.

With Claire, things felt… different. Emotional, raw, honest, profound. It felt like something he couldn’t quite place. Something he didn’t have words for. The mere thought of her made his pulse quicken, made his breath catch in his chest. Their connection last night at the bar, their physical connection at the bookshop (god, how it felt to be touched by her…) , their easy banter over text, and then when she gave him her address… he had to sit down. He knew her address exactly. He’d passed it every time he went home, or went to work, or went anywhere at all. She lived in Louisburg Square, across the garden and just to the right of a place he knew intimately. She lived across the garden and just to the right, of his place. They were neighbors. He never knew. He thought back to telling her how they must have just been missing each other for years, but god, he never knew how close they really were.

Jamie finished tying up his leather boots and took a look in the mirror. Hair brushed back, curls falling at his neck, a light blue button-up, a leather jacket. Not too bad. Still not good enough for her, though. He tugged at the neck of his shirt, and left his townhouse. He made his way up his side of the square, and stopped not ten feet up the sidewalk. He saw her. From the second floor, Claire was illuminated by soft light in the window, gauzy curtains framing her. He could only watch in awe as her head tilted to the side to fit an earring to her ear. She reached for a brush and started to comb out a curl. Jamie sighed contentedly when he noticed her hair was still down, curled around her face, wild as ever. Claire gave up with the brush and settled herself to smoothing down creases in her wee dress with delicate hands. Hands that had touched him, healed him, had literally written her name over his heart. She was... ethereal. Tearing his eyes away from the window, he managed to send her a message:

[Jamie]: On my way there Sassenach

[Claire]: No worries, take your time. See you soon!

Jamie rounded the center garden and up to her steps. The light from the window was still glowing, but he could no longer see her. One more text:

[Jamie]: Just outside

He walked up the steps, raised his knuckles to the brass knocker, and paused. First step to forever… His phone buzzed.

[Claire]: I thought I said to take your time? ;) seriously, how’d you get here so fast? Just a sec and I’ll be down!

He did knock then, answered her text to say there was no rush, he wasn’t going anywhere. Behind the door he heard a literal run down the stairs and he stifled a chuckle. There was a jingle of keys, a fairly loud, “Shit!” as the keys hit the floor, a scuttle of shoes around the entry, and the door opened.

Here we go, lad.

[crispycrimebrulee]

A Zeno x Reader Short: Sunset Sentimental

Song Listened To: Can’t Help Falling In Love by Elvis Presley 

Hazy golden sunlight danced through the windows, showering the living room with gentle autumn light. Peeking outside, the world looked picturesque, the trees with hues of red and orange, hints of yellow and brown leaves adorning deep brown branches, as well as gracing the sidewalks with their cozy shades. Decorative pumpkins were outside of almost every house, adding to a sense of autumn magic floating about the air. Keeping it in a sense of elevated beauty was the auburn light hitting just about everything, producing a gentle feeling that was inexplicably and indescribably nostalgic. Perhaps nostalgic of pumpkin picking as a child, when the pumpkins were almost as big as you, or decorating them with family. Perhaps it was picking up apples and making apple pie, the scent of sugary, buttery cinnamon filling the house, or the scent of apples crisp and warm, making you anticipate warm apple pie with a bit of vanilla ice cream. Autumn nostalgia, awakened by crisp leaves and cozy atmospheres. 

Pacing the living room, you checked your watch, getting a little anxious of the time. Zeno had gifted you the watch, (despite your wishes, seeing as you never use watches, but he insisted) a beautiful F.P Journe watch, very much out of your budget range. To note, Zeno gave you plenty of things, most of which were designer. The outfit that he’d gifted you, a rusted orange turtleneck from Fendi, with black leather pants from the same brand. Snakeskin boots were also gifted to you, specifically from YSL and a golden necklace with your initials on it. Upon receiving this from him, amongst other gifts, it always managed to make your head spin. Not to say you didn’t like his gifts, but he always mentioned he loved accentuating your natural beauty with clothes and accessories, always commenting on how you make everything look good. 

Running your fingers over the fabrics, you couldn’t help but blush, thinking of his simple yet genuine compliments to you. He was always very honest, but not in a way that was blunt or hurtful. Contrary to the rest of his family, whom you’ve met, he was quite kind. He was a true, old fashioned gentleman, the classic Sunday drives and long walks on the beach, gentle genuine words, slow dancing to old music, bringing you flowers and walking you home. For a man of his stature, he had a gentleness to him that was rarely found anywhere else, or in anyone else. 

Lost in your thoughts, you didn’t hear the doorbell ring until you heard knocking on your window, making you jump a little and spin around, studying the face outside. There was Zeno, hands behind his back, a small but knowing smile meeting your eyes as you smiled in return. 

Moving to open the front door, you could hear him hum in content seeing you in the outfit he’d gifted you. 

“Hello, Y/N...splendid as ever, I see.” he mused, gently studying you over. 

You beamed in response, unable to hide the warmth the compliment gave you.

Letting out another content hum, he extended his arm to you, silently offering for you to take it and walk with him. Taking him up on his offer, you gently take his arm and close your front door, locking it behind you and walking forward towards the car with him. 

After a 30 minute car ride, full of casual easy flowing conversation, you arrived at the entrance to a park, the orange leaves of the trees once again mixed with the golden afternoon light making you gasp quietly. Zeno had come out of the car as a butler had opened your door, allowing you to hop out, barely hiding your excitement. Coming into view was a carriage, with black horses strapped at the front. Watching the carriage get closer, Zeno had come beside you, taking in the surroundings and you as well. Turning to him, he had produced a small bouquet of deep orange dahlias and yellow vervains, wrapped in brown tulle with a white ribbon. 

Always the charmer, Zeno.

Sticking his arm out to you again, you took it as he walked you towards the carriage, helping you up and getting you settled into the seats. There were some large leaves on the floor of the carriage, and some orange and yellow lights on the rims of the carriage, making for a gentle spectacle. Settling himself next to you, he raised his hand, and the carriage took off at a slow pace. 

Admiring the scenery around you, your hands idly played with the flowers, running your fingers over the petals.

“Tell me, y/n, how is work?” Zeno asked, his eyes not leaving the trees as they passed by.

“Oh it’s alright, I did some overtime this week…” you replied, glancing at him.

“What for?”, he came back, not missing a beat.

“Money… I have rent due next week, and other bills to pay.” you muttered, suddenly feeling sheepish.

“Tell me next time. I’ve already covered it.” he hummed, looking at you now.

“Zeno...that’s hardly necessary…” you pleaded (although pleading with him about any affair that involved you and money always ended quickly, seeing as he was always willing to cover whatever your troubles may be, no matter how minute.)

Zeno only chuckled and patted your hand, rubbing his thumb over your knuckles.

“You say this as if it’s a trouble to me, a nuisance. The only thing that troubles me is having to remind you that it isn’t, yn.” he stated, full of reassurance and kindness. 

“Thank you, Zeno…” you whispered, feeling your face burning. 

Conversations continued, about work and bills, school and your family, about trinkets and wonderful new sweaters and jackets that he’d be picking up for you (to which you attempted to insist that he didn’t need to), continued on to speak about him and how he was doing, and all the delicate intricacies of life. Having so lost in conversation, you hadn’t realized he’d ordered the carriage stop as he gestured outward past you, causing your sentences to fade into the sight before you. 

You’d stopped at a lake, crystal water reflecting the now setting sun, turning the water a fiery yet subtle gold, the sun slowly sinking beneath the waters, gracing the sky with its hues. The trees surrounding the lake enhanced the beauty of the scene before you.

You’d stepped out of the carriage with the help of Zeno, and left you briefly to stand and admire the lake, a chaste autumn breeze kissing your face. 

Hearing the start to one of his favorite songs, you smiled. He had a knack for finding perfect yet unorthodox spots for dancing. 

You turned slightly, knowing he’d be next to you, a soft smile on his face, his hand out stretched, inviting you to take it and dance with him.

His hand always find itself on your waist, the other holding your own. His eyes always look sharp, but in moments like this, they’re far off, thinking and wondering, lost in moments of romance and perhaps of past memories. His soft, knowing smile was the only indication that he was happy, in those far off thoughts, consistent in quiet, tender instances with you.

“You know, y/n” he started, and you could only giggle, knowing what he was coming to tell you, earning you a look from the weathered assassin. Times like this is where he told you a phrase so worn but so loving, it was hard to believe he was as dangerous as rumored to be. “You know, I’ll feel your hands on my shoulders. Gentle, gentle. I hear you when my tea is ready, and I feel you when I fall asleep. I see you. Everywhere, everywhere, y/n of mine.” he hummed, earning him a telltale blush from you, no matter how many times you’d heard it, coupled with that song that was ingrained in your mind, your heart, along with Zeno himself and his ways. 

You let the words play on and on in your head, knowing  he very well meant it, and that it should illicit no response, he was content with your flushed cheeks and shy smile, taking in the sight of his handy work in this department. He would be content to be here with you, and you with him, as you let yourself fall into a rhythmic shuffle, allowing yourselves to dance, dance and lock eyes, dance with each one more time, and thinking of the next dance, and the dance after. Gentle, quiet dancing before the scenery of the fall, warm and nostalgic of a love only autumn forms, falling into the notes and rises and falls, as the sun struggles to glow behind the crystalline lake, the last streaks of golden light falling on the both of you for only a moment.

[ink-and-flame]

Kinktober Day 11: Intensifying Further

Kinktober Day 11 Prompts: Head (giving fellatio) || Riding crops || Being serviced (sexual) Fandom: [None] Original Tags: Exophilia, sexual role play, fellatio, sexual service, riding crops, Dom/sub, face fucking, cum marking,  Pairing: Orc(m)/Human(F), Darnok/Lia

[Authors note: I am really  happy to bring these two back. I have a couple more entries in the month that have the potential to feature them.]

The move to Auchendale had proven to be even more fortuitous for Lia that she had originally realized. At first she had just needed a change of pace, and had chosen this town due to the diversity. While she knew that it was the next chapter in her life and that she would find some adventure, what she had not expected to find was Darnok. 

Their initial meeting had gone so well that Lia had found herself quite a bit smitten with him. Yes, they had met at a BDSM club, and yes, she had sex with him before really knowing anything about him. Regardless of this, they had connected. Maybe it was only physically but it was a connection and that connection had blossomed into something more. 

Having exchanged phone numbers before leaving the club that night, Lia  made it clear that she was fine if sex was the only commonality they found. She was perfectly happy to be a bit of a booty call for him. The sex had been incredible and she wasn’t willing to give it up. It had been Darnok that had suggested they see if there was something more there. Lia had reluctantly agreed, not wanting to rush into anything serious. 

Their first real date had been painfully awkward, something they both laughed about later when they met up at the club more than a week after it had occurred. It was clear that functioning as a normal couple might be beyond them and perhaps kink was really all they had in common. Darnok was not really forthcoming about his life or his work, being a private man by  nature, and Lia felt she just wasn’t interesting enough for someone as clearly sophisticated as him. 

That first date had clued Lia in that whoever Darnok really was, he was rich and he was powerful. None of that mattered to her though. He had a nice cock, could fuck like a beast, and he was charming to boot. His money held no real interest for her and neither did his possible influence. She really only focused on how he was in the bedroom and he was something else. 

Darnok was demanding, but not cruel. He clearly had experience as a dominant and could easily bend Lia to his will. Something she was eager to do. No one had ever made her desire submission as much as Darnok had. It was the only regret she felt when she thought about how they didn’t seem to mesh on a more personal level. Right now having a purely physical relationship was fine, but eventually Lia was going to want more and she would have a difficult choice to make at that juncture. 

While Darnok had marked Lia that first night, they had sat down and discussed whether or not it was practical for Lia to be his sub. Did she want to be owned by him, and could she abide by the restrictions that came with that. In the end they decided to stick to a more casual agreement and would meet up every couple of weeks at the club, which soon turned to weekly meet ups. 

Lia was dressing for this week's meet up. He had arranged for one of the back rooms in specific and had provided her with a list of items she should bring with her and what he would like her to wear. Of course she would dress normally for her arrival and change into her intended outfit once at the club. It wouldn’t do for her to wear anything too suggestive in public. She didn’t really have it in her to do public scenes, not yet anyway.

Darnok had been clear in his desires and laid out the plan for this evenings scene. It would be a little less extreme than some of the scenes they had done previously. This one seemed a bit more personal for him and Lia was intensely curious. They had spent the last few weekends pushing her limits and she had confessed to him that she was a little worn from it. Perhaps this lighter scene was his way of helping reenergize her, give her mind and body a bit of a break before they tried pushing her limits again. 

Tonight’s scene would be in one of the rooms mocked up to look like an office. Darnok had sent a few photos showing her the layouts of the different options to see if any were displeasing to her. They both had a preference for the modern looking office with the mock up city skyline, and the large heavy looking desk. Lia was pretty sure they could fuck on that desk and it wouldn’t collapse under them, given Darnok’s size that was a concern she had for some of the furniature in the other rooms they had tried.

For this scene Darnok would be posing as a businessman, a little on the nose if anyone had asked Lia, but she didn’t mention it. He always looked so incredibly sexy in his suits and she kind of wanted to see if his attitude changed at all. She would be playing the part of his boss, acting as the CEO of the company. At first Lia had been confused thinking he wanted her in charge, something she wasn’t sure she would be good at, but Darnok assured her she would remain in a submissive role, there would just be a bit of playful back and forth where he wanted her to resist before submitting. That Lia could easily do and was kind of looking forward to. It would allow her to push some of his limits and be a bit of a brat instead of a well behaved sub.

As Lia had done office work she had a few nicer clothes that would work, she had one dress suit that she thought might be perfect for play and she wasn’t too worried about it being ruined. Darnok had explained that he would happily replace any of her clothing that he damaged and that if she had anything irreplaceable, to not wear it while they do scenes. It was a simple enough arrangement, though one that Lia was a bit uncomfortable with at first until Darnok explained that he sometimes enjoyed ruining clothing but she shouldn’t have to suffer through having all her clothes destroyed without some form of compensation. 

In reality Dar had purchased Lia a few outfits specifically for their play scenes and Lia was flattered by the gifts. It made their failed date feel more harsh as she really had hoped they would have a significant connection. Still, something was better than nothing, and Darnok was more than something in bed. He was honestly the most experienced person Lia had ever been with and the genuinely best lay of her life. 

Lia was giddy as she walked into the club, now a full member and recognized by the staff she didn’t have to keep her membership card visible. She did carry it with her, but it was more a formality at this point. Her and Darnok were frequently seen together and had been approached by other individuals for play. So far Lia had always declined, she wasn’t comfortable asking Darnok if he had as well. Lia knew herself well enough that jealousy did not look good on her and could ruin what they had. 

Heading back to the room they had reserved Lia found that she had arrived before Darnok and took the chance to change and get ready. Making sure that anything they could need would be in reach of the desk and that she had laid out all the items he had requested. Changing had not taken long and Lia got comfortable sitting in a chair, though as time passed she worried that she had gotten the wrong date as Darnok had not arrived just yet. Sending a text she was relieved to see he was only held up in traffic and promised to make it up to her. 

When Darnok arrived Lia looked up and was a bit speechless. He was in a suit yes, but this one was nicer than any he had worn before. He had a bag over his shoulder and a briefcase in his hand. Setting the case on the desk he stepped to the side with his bag and Lia felt her skin flush as he looked her over. 

“You look lovely sweet Lia. I apologize for my tardiness. I hate making you wait like that. Will you forgive me? Darnok swept over and leaned down kissing Lia softly. “Are you ready to play darling?”

The pet names and his deep voice were sure to be the end of Lia. She nodded and gave him some time to get himself set up. The bag was left to the side for now as he situated himself at the desk and opened the briefcase. She watched with rapt attention as he seemed to have brought real office supplies and that just tickled her. Though she wasn’t prepared for just how shockingly attractive he was with glasses on. That was a bit of a surprise. 

“Whenever you are ready.” Darnok cleared his throat and gestured for the scene to begin.

Lia was nervous starting the scene, feeling awkward with the role play aspect of it and it took her a moment to find the character she should play. Having never really had a high ranking position at her office job it felt awkward trying to boss Dar around, especially with how intimidating he always looked. Those glasses though, they did something to her. 

“Mister Sinros, I believe the deadline for that report was yesterday? Yet here we are, and I still do not have it. Really, if you expect to ever receive any kind of traction in this company then I suggest you manage your time better. I believe there is a position opening up and it would be a shame for you to be passed over, again.” Lia had adopted her haughtiest voice and was surprised at how easy it was to lorde over him in play. It still felt awkward but Lia was enjoying herself. 

“Of course Ms. Doran, I have the report right here. Would you like to look at it now, or should I have it taken to your office.” Darnok was a bit surprised at how much he was enjoying this. He wasn’t a fan of being bossed around, but Lia seemed to fall into the role and he was certainly enjoying it from her. It helped that he knew how this scene was going to end.  

The scene continued with Lia lightly berating Darnok while he acted in deference to his boss. Lia was enjoying herself and sat on the desk, crossing one leg over the other as she spoke to him. Her garter was showing as was some of her hip and looking down she could see that Darnok was already sporting an erection.

“Mister Sinros, would you care to explain yourself?”

Darnok swallowed, falling into the role a bit more than he had intended. “I apologize, you are just so beautiful, so aggressive. I find you irresistible.”

“Hmmm, well I am flattered.” Lia smiled and moved just a bit closer. “Perhaps I should leave you to take care of your work. Just for a few moments.”

Lia moved away from the desk to let Darnok prepare for the next part of the scene. She was looking forward to this as she usually either saw him fully dressed, or completely naked. Not really ever in any sort of in between state. Turning her back she waited, moving to a far spot in the room so that it would feel as though she left and came back at a different time.

When Darnok was ready Lia approached the desk again. The sight of him made her wet with anticipation. His jacket was off, hanging on the back of the chair. Tie undone, but still under the collar. The first few buttons of his dress shirt were unbuttoned, showing a peek of his hairy chest. The sleeves were rolled up right above the elbow and secured. Though how he found shirts that could hold his muscular arms and not tear she never knew. He was quite a sight and Lia felt herself falling for him all over again. The glasses just made the look more perfect. 

“It is good to see you staying late to get some work done for a change. Maybe you aren’t as lazy as I thought. Perhaps I could put in a good word for you, we’ll see.” Lia hated to sound so cruel, but she was also having so much fun. “You seem annoyed, am I interrupting your concentration? Surely you can work and converse. You are awfully chatty in the break room. Or does conversation with me not interest you.”

“Something about your mouth interests me.” Darnok mumbled under his breath and waited, wondering if Lia would have heard him or not. He was escalating things, pushing the scene forward faster. His balls were throbbing and he knew he was already leaking precum. Lia was just too irresistible and he wanted her now. 

“I beg your pardon? Would you like to repeat that, or perhaps explain what is so interesting about my mouth?” Lia waited, hoping the set up was ok.

Leaning back in the chair, Darnok leveled Lia with a look. “Well, your mouth isn’t interesting right now, but it could be.”

“Enlighten me orc.” 

“Well, it would certainly be more interesting with my dick in it.” Darnok found it difficult to keep a straight face. Lia’s look of shock was precious and he almost wanted to call the scene off just because she looked so genuinely offended.

“Mister Sinros, I cannot believe you. That is the second time you have been entirely inappropriate.” Lia moved closer so she was on the same side of the desk as Darnok.

Turning in his chair he allowed Lia to see just how hard he was before he spoke. “Are you saying you aren’t even a little bit curious?”

“I…” Lia bit her lip. It was hard to stay in character. She wanted him, and she really just wanted to be bent over the desk and fucked into unconciousness if she was honest. “This won't guarantee a promotion.” 

“Hold that opinion until after. Now, on your knees.” Darnok used a commanding tone, knowing Lia would pick up on the signal. The scene had changed from just the role play aspect to the actual sexual content of the scene. He wasn’t going to be a stickler if she didn’t stay in character, at this point he was too aroused to really care. 

Lia waited for Darnok to move the chair so she could kneel in front of him. Her eyes were locked on his large hands as he unbuckled his belt and unzipped his trousers. When he pulled his cock out the head was already slick with precum. His foreskin shiney and slightly retracted with how hard his cock was already.  Remaining still Lia waited for Darnok to instruct her. 

“You have such a sweet looking mouth, I can’t wait to ruin you girl.” Growling Darnok reached forward, cupping the back of Lia’s head and pulling her forward. “Lick it.”

Not needing to be told twice, Lia began to trace up the shaft with her tongue swirling over the head a few times before moving back down the shaft. She had serviced Dar this way a few times and it was always a struggle to take him in her mouth. Lia loved trying though. Each time she was able to get more and more of him in, soon she hoped she might be able to deep throat him. 

Darnock groaned watching as Lia serviced his cock with her tongue, lavashing it with soft licks and gentle kisses. He was growing impatient though and wanted more. As good as this felt, part of him wanted to force his cock in her mouth and fuck her face, she just wasn’t ready for that. Reaching into his pants he cupped his balls pulling them up so they were free of their confines. He was a fan of ball play and didn’t want them neglected just because his pants were still on. “Lick them, suck them, maybe I will reward you if you do a good job.”

Moving down Lia lapped at his balls sucking one into her mouth and teasing it with her tongue. Switching between them she sucked each one, then licked over the sack. Darnok had a strong scent here and it weirdly turned Lia on, thought she never mentioned it to him. She quite enjoyed playing with his balls and was always excited when he allowed her to do so. Everything about him was huge and this was no exception. 

Grunting Dar began to lose patience again. It all just felt too good. “Suck it, or I am forcing it in your mouth.” He growled  his grip on her hair tightening ever so slightly. 

Lia paused for just a moment and licked up the shaft making a decision. She teased over the head with her tongue, mouth open, hot breath tickling his foreskin, but she did not take him in her mouth. Instead she just licked, teasing him, tempting him, curious to see if he would actually make good on the threat, and make good he did.

It only took a few moments before Darnok had gripped the shaft of his cock with one hand, the other hand still gripping the back of Lia’s head. Moving her slightly he angled his cock to align with her mouth and pushed her down, forcing the tip and some of the shaft into her mouth. It felt so incredible he kept going forcing his cock into her throat, a little farther than he usually would to start, but he simply couldn’t help himself. 

Moaning loudly, Darnok threaded his fingers into Lia’s hair and guided her down on his throbbing dick, pushing as much in her throat as he could until he felt a small tap on his thigh. Looking down he could see Lia struggling a bit and he eased up releasing her hair and letting her set the pace for a bit. “Next time, do as you're told, and these things won't have to happen.”

Darnok watched Lia as she worked her mouth over his cock, taking more and more of him into her throat as she swallowed around him. It was clear she was challenging herself and Dar liked that. Reaching next to the desk he grabbed the riding crop he had set next to it and out of the way. Not wanting to interrupt the earlier scene with a visual reminder of what was to come. “Be a good girl for me, don’t stop what you are doing, but I want you to hike that skirt up to your waist so I can see that sweet ass while you take me in your throat.”

Lia, being ever obedient, moved her hands from his shaft and balls and reached back to hike up her skirt. Tugging it up so it was around her waist, revealing the garter belt and thong she was wearing. Her asscheeks were bare save for the lace strips of the garter belt hooking to her thigh highs. She never stopped servicing Dar and once her hands were no longer needed to move her skirt, she placed them back on his cock. 

She stroked Dar’s shaft as she took as much of his cock in her mouth as she could. She couldn’t deep throat him, not yet, but she certainly was trying. She had gotten farther tonight than before, his initial force helped a bit but her throat was a little sore from that. 

Darnok rubbed the riding crop against her ass, smoothing it over the skin before tapping lightly. He didn’t want to startle her or injure her by ramping up the pain too quickly. It also forced his focus away from the pleasant sensations he was experiencing. “Slow down a bit, wouldn’t want to cum too soon. You aren’t getting out of this that easily.” He chuckled a bit as she whined around his cock, but did as was told. 

Her slowing down helped him focus even more and brought the intensity level down a bit. Instead of feeling his pleasure climbing quickly to release, it was more of a warm slow build. “Good of you to realize your place.” He popped one cheek a little harder with the riding crop and smiled as she made an adorable little squeak. Since her mouth was full the sounds she was making was muffled, but it just added to his pleasure. 

Slowly Dar worked the riding crop over her ass, randomly choosing which cheek to strike and how hard. He kept it varied so she wouldn’t be able to acclimate to the strikes. A particularly sharp smack had her jumping and taking his cock much farther than she had before. It was so pleasant that Dar gripped her head and held her in place, keeping his cock shoved deep in her throat. 

Lia whimpering and wiggling was what caught Dar’s attention and he looked down, having not realized he had tilted his head back and closed his eyes. She was struggling but had not tapped his thigh. Loosening his grip he let Lia pull back so that she was more comfortable, and he could see that her eyes looked shiny and wet. He was tempted to pull her off and pause the scene, but she knew how to code out and for some reason had chosen not to. Allowing this Darnok kept a closer eye on her as he paused in the spanking and watched her. 

Repeating the action, Dar forced her down and held her there as he watched. She was struggling a bit, though she could still clearly breath. Lia wasn’t tapping out or signalling her distress despite looking like she clearly was. He smiled, proud of her for challenging herself and pushing her limits, but his worry overrode his desires and he released her again as she took deep breaths through her nose but did not try to pull away. 

Lia was beautiful in her submission and Darnok found himself growing ever more attached to her. Each time they met he found new reasons to want to keep her all to himself. This was just one more to add to the ever growing list and Dar was concerned at where his feelings were leading him. Pushing the heavier thoughts out of his mind he forced himself to focus on the scene and his building pleasure. 

“You are such a good little cock sucker aren’t you? Do you like it when I force it in your throat? Do you like me controlling you, striking you? Do you want to be my little pet, servicing me whenever I want?” Darnok was technically asking in character, but there was a part of him that was ready to collar Lia as his sub and make everything between them official.

Darnock felt his throat tighten as Lia lifted her eyes, locking on to his, and simply nodded without stopping. He came close to release in that moment as he damn near lost control. Remembering himself he raised the riding crop and smacked her ass again, far more gently than he had before, but enough to sting a bit. He watched her wiggle and could feel her moaning around him. It was becoming too much and he would cum soon.

Setting the riding crop on the desk Darnok tightened his grip behind her head and pushed her down slowly on his cock. “I am going to fuck your throat girl, and you are going to take it.” Growling Dar forced Lia down on his cock, keeping a careful eye on her expressions and breathing just in case he went too far too fast. Hoping she would tap out if she really needed to and didn’t just allow this to impress him. 

Lia felt a little light headed as Darnok forced his cock further and further into her throat. Still not able to take him all the way, Lia was nevertheless pleased with how far she could get. Her vision was getting fuzzy around the edges, but she remembered her breathing exercises and focused on remaining relaxed as Dar face fucked her. 

She could feel her own wetness between her thighs, turned on not only by the scene but his voice and how much he was clearly enjoying this. Lia desperately wanted him inside of her, but she could wait. Right now she needed to focus on her breathing and helping him to reach his orgasm, which was clearly building quickly as his cock had begun to swell in her throat. 

Reminding herself not to panic, Lia felt her air cut off for a moment as Darnok forced her head down until he met resistance. He wasn’t fully in her throat, but somehow she managed to take him more than half way. She could feel herself gagging slightly as  his cock swelled up even more with his impending release. Suddenly her throat was free and Darnok was stroking his cock in front of her face.

“Don’t you dare close your mouth.” Dar ordered with a snarl as he jerked himself the rest of the way to release. His thick ropes of cum landing in her open mouth and on her face, some getting in her hair and on her chest and clothing. 

Panting Dar looked down at Lia, her face and clothes covered in cum. Her mouth still obediently open as a pool of cum sat in her mouth. “You are such a good obedient girl. Close your mouth and swallow.”

It wasn’t easy sitting there with cum in her mouth, not swallowing, it was actually worse than taking his cock in her throat. However his praise was worth it and Lia dutifully swallowed when ordered. Her eyes remained closed, not wanting to get ejaculate in them.

“You look so perfect like this, I almost want a picture.” Darnok commented, knowing that was completely out of bounds. “Don’t move.”

Getting up Dar walked over to the sink, there was one in every room, and wet a paper towel, bringing it over and wiping her eyes, leaving the rest of her face covered in cum still. He wanted to admire it just a bit longer. Maybe he could get her to agree to a photograph just this one time. 

[probably-writing-x]

High Society (Chapter 2)

~A Tom Holland AU Series~

Tags: @imarypayne @sunshine112 @sleepwalkingdragon @supernatural-girl97 @vibhati123 @butithasntkilledyouyet @faefictions @carisi-sonny @trap-house-homiecide @shamelessbookaddict

Inspiration: It's interesting to see how the other half live, how their perfect lives are pieced together by secret scandals. It's beyond anything you can imagine until you're a part of it. It's High Society. (Based on the Netflix series 'Elite')

Warnings: Mentions of murder, language warning

Notes: Wow! The love for chapter 1 has been insane, thank you so much. If you'd like to be part of the tags or ask any questions about this series, please send them through

~~~Wednesday 30th January 2019~~~

"And were you good friends?" The interviewer asks from across the wooden table. The low lumination of the interview room cast an intimidating shadow across her stern expression. You were thankful she couldn't hear how your heart was racing.

"Well, I'd only been at the school since September. I knew her in school but I don't think I knew her well enough to deem us friends," You admit, hands clasped tightly to stop them shaking, "I think there was a lot that we didn't know about her,"

"So, she had a lot of secrets," The woman confirms, not once breaking her focus on you, "Do you think they would give someone enough motive to kill her?"

"I don't think we can ever be truly sure of a murderers motives unless we're the murderer, Miss," You state, taking a moment to make certain eye contact with the woman opposite you.

"And how can I be sure I'm not talking to that person now?"

~~~Friday 7th September 2018~~~

"Oh come on, you're telling me there's nobody here you think is fit?" Noah groans, flopping down into the chair beside you.

"It's not really at the top of my priorities if I'm honest," You roll your eyes, taking a moment to look up from the book in your hands, "Are you saying it's in yours?"

"Well, I don't know," He shrugs exaggeratively, his eyes diverting to where Sam and Harry were huddled around a laptop. He hoped you hadn't seen him.

"The twins?" You raise a brow, watching him blush slightly.

"Not both of them," He hisses, jabbing you in the side, "And please don't tell anyone, I haven't told anyone here that I'm gay,"

"Well, that's understandable. You've only been here for a week," You point out, pressing the bookmark into your book and pushing it to the side of the desk you shared with Noah.

"I'm not sure I'm going to say anything, like ever," He mumbles, shuffling his chair closer to the table as if he wanted to enclose your conversation.

You don't respond, knowing that it would be better for him if you let him talk about it on his own accord.

"At our old school, that's all everyone labelled me as. That was like my definition. And I had to constantly remind people to keep it quiet from my parents who could be very easy to judge about something like that," He explains, "But, here, I don't have to be that. I can come out on my own terms, and not constantly be awaiting the day when I go home to my parents questioning me about it,"

"If that's what you think will make you happier and more comfortable, then I say go for it," You assure him, "Just, don't feel like you can't be yourself because of that,"

He smiles and squeezes your shoulder in a symbol of compassion, turning back to the desk in front of him.

"Is this what you're using for wider reading?" Lily's voice sounds from in front of you, picking up the worn book from the table and flicking her fingers through the aged pages.

"It's just a book," You grumble, feeling a sting of pain in your heart at the sight of her touch on one of your most prized possessions.

"It's not even a classic," She scoffs, tossing it aside and allowing the marker to fall along the tiled floor. Don't react. Don't react.

She takes her seat near Imogen and Harrison, a spare seat beside her as she awaited Tom's arrival.

He walked in shortly after and you made every effort to stop yourself from looking at him. You even avoided it as he shuffled past your desk, leaning down right in front of you.

"This is yours?" He tilts his head, looking at the childlike bookmark that he'd picked up from the floor.

You take it from his hands and don't manage to hide the furious blush burning up your cheeks, "Thank you,"

"It's endearing, I like it," He smiles, taking a seat beside Lily and already being greeted by her monsoon of affection.

"Alright guys settle down please," Mr Fitz, as you had learnt to call him, sounds from the front of the class, "I have a project for you today, it's going to develop over the course of the next term,"

"God please don't tell me it's a group project," Z groans, dropping her head into her hands.

"And, much to your excitement, you're going to be working mostly alone," Mr Fitz grins, flicking onto the next side of his PowerPoint presentation, "Before you complain, do take note that these grades are going to count towards the points for the Jordan Cup that will be presented to our highest achieving student at the end of this year,"

"The Jordan Cup? What the fuck is that?" Noah laughs, dropping back in his seat so he was now barely even sitting up.

Lily's head snaps around, "It's the most prestigious award you can achieve at this school. Named, quite rightly, after my father because of his extensive donation toward the upkeep of this school,"

"Thank you Lily," Mr Fitz nods, "It is awarded to one of our seniors at the Winter Ball, based on the amount of points accumulated throughout the year so far."

"And how do we get such points?" You question with genuine curiosity.

"It's based on your academic attainment, attendance and extra curriculars," He explains, "Every time you attend a sports session or take a visit to one of our facilities, it is noted and then totalled at the end of the competition."

"And who knows, you might even get a thanks for taking part award," Lily smiles at you with enough of a patronising tone in her voice to make you want to rip those dyed curls from her head.

"Anyway," Mr Fitz attempts to regain control, "The main idea of this project is discovery. I want you to come back at the end of term telling us something about yourself that people don't know. And I want you to tell me something about someone else here that we don't know. You could take part in learning a new skill, understanding your family history or even developing new friendships but I want this to be something about you that makes us see you in a different light,"

"A journey of self discovery, I'm inspired," Harrison announces sarcastically with a faked applause.

"Take it seriously, I'll be placing a heavy amount of thought into where points will be awarded," Mr Fitz warns, "Uncover some secrets,"

Everyone sits in an awkward silence for just a moment, all questioning what on earth they would do for such a silly project idea. They only erupted into chatter when Mr Fitz exited.

"So, (Y/N), what skeletons are in your closet?" Imogen wiggles her brows, all of their eyes focused on you.

"Nothing you'll ever need to know about," You mutter under your breath, trying with every part of you to not feel intimidated by them.

You could hear some muttering from that direction before you watched Tom shove Harrison in the direction of you and Noah.

"I'm having a party at my place tonight and there's an invite for both of you if you want to come," Harrison sighs, clearly not the one to actually want to give this invitation.

"I'll pass," You smile fakely, turning back to the work in front of you. Why did part of you want to go?

~~~Wednesday 30th January 2019~~~

"It seems you became quite a part of their society?" The investigator continues, her pen tapping in an uncomforting rhythm against the table.

"I was nothing like them," You are quick to answer, "But it's easy to get sucked into it when you're surrounded by that. And they weren't bad people,"

"Though bad enough to kill someone?" She frowns, "One of their classmates, in fact."

"I-"

"Tell me what happened at this party, (Y/N)," She encourages, "Harrison Osterfield hosted a party on the seventh of September and you were in attendance,"

"I didn't even want to go," You shake your head, looking down to your hands, "Z kept telling me I should and I gave in, I went,"

"And it was at this party that you found yourself in an argument with none other than Lily Jordan, what was that about?" She tilts her head, taking you right back to that stupid night.

~~~Friday 7th September 2018~~~

"Seriously this isn't my thing at all," You groan, wanting nothing more than to release yourself from Zendaya's grip as she pulled you towards the door to the grand house.

"Well, you've made a goddamn effort and we're not letting it go to waste," She laughs, swinging open the door and entering the party that already appeared to be in full swing.

This house was ridiculously grand. It was filled with items you didn't even want to know the price of and furniture that looked too good to be destroyed by cheap beer. It felt so strange to see students chattering around the house with actual glasses in hand rather than red plastic cups. With actual alcohol that people would buy from a menu instead of anything available on the shelves of a supermarket.

"Z! Let me get you a drink!" Imogen grins, dragging her over to the table.

Harrison was stood near there too and he noticed you as you walked in.

"You made it," He states, matter of factly.

"You can complain to Z about that," You point out, already feeling uncomfortable and regretting your outfit choice.

"Maybe I should thank her," He raises a brow, a smirk dancing over his pursed lips, "Looking like that, you'd be wasted at any other party,"

"Would Mrs Osterfield be impressed about those comments towards the new girl?" You try to divert the slightly mysoginistic comments, "Don't act like she's not the only reason you had to invite me and Noah,"

"She's letting me throw a party full of underage drinking," He comments, leaning down to you slightly, "She wouldn't dare say no to anything I said,"

"Well, I would, so if you'll excuse me," You give him a tight smile, gripping onto the material of your pastel blue jacket just a little tighter around you.

"(Y/N)," Tom's voice calls out and you instantly relax slightly, "I didn't think you were coming,"

"Well, I guess you don't know me as well as you think," You joke, "I'm very easily persuaded,"

"I'll take note of that," He laughs, "Can I get you a drink?"

You can't help but frown slightly, "Why are you being nice to me? From what I've heard you're a bit of a King at this school,"

"I'm not saying you're wrong, but I guess you might not know me as well as you think," He copies your line but he sounds so much more sure of himself than you ever did.

"Tommy!" Lily's voice rings out, hopping over to him and wrapping her arms around his neck, "Baby can you get me a drink please?" She asks, her eyes looking up at him through her long fake lashes.

He nods and leaves you two alone. It is only then that her demeanour changes and she swivels round to face you with a harsh expression on her face.

"I don't know who the fuck you think you are," She starts, "You seem to have made quite the impression on Tom and I'm really not here for it,"

"For someone who acts like a princess around here, you're really having trouble trusting your prince aren't you?" You smirk. Somehow, she didn't faze you. Her intimidation was all an act.

She scoffs, bringing her face closer to yours, "Don't fucking talk to me like that. My Dad is paying for your scholarship to school, my boyfriend is best friends with the Principal's son, oh, and Tommy is my boyfriend."

"Back off Lily, you're making yourself look ridiculous," Z breaks a space between the two of you, "(Y/N)'s done nothing wrong. Don't be so pathetic,"

You were thankful she was there. It felt easier than dealing with Lily alone. Everyone was circling the pair now with you simply becoming one to watch now. Your eyes latched on to Tom's. His girlfriend was in the middle of an argument with another girl and he wasn't even looking; he was looking at you.

"Get out of my way!" Lily screeches, trying to get through the group that had formed so she could exit.

"Lily wait-" Imogen began, loyal enough to try to follow her.

"Fuck off Imogen!" Lily snaps, "You just stood there with the rest of them!"

The atmosphere dropped. Everyone went back to enjoying the party but the rest of you just stood there, exchanging awkward glances and becoming fearful of the tension on Monday morning.

~~~Wednesday 30th January 2019~~~

"Yeah, Zendaya stood up for me that night," You sigh, "Her and Lily clearly had problems between them but the argument was nothing serious,"

"I care more about Imogen. She was invited and didn't get involved in that,"

"No, she was there but she didn't say anything. But nobody really said anything," You shake your head. Damnit, your words were shaking now. She'd mentioned her name.

"And Lily was annoyed about that," The investigator confirms, "Do you think that started a tension between them?"

"Mayb-"

"Enough of a tension to justify killing her so-called best friend?" She tilts her head to the side, clearly thinking she'd made a breakthrough.

"From what I know, Imogen hadn't done enough wrong to justify what happened to her," You shake, feeling tears trembling in your eyes, "She was one of the good ones,"

[jacpotts]

No More Drama | Juliac

Who: @heyjuliette , @jacpotts

When: Saturday, May 18th

Where: The WHS gymnasium

What: After months of awkwardness over Julie’s ex, Jac and Julie finally address the bad blood that has been between them their whole lives. 

Jac was having a lot more fun at this baby prom than she'd anticipated. Of course, at first she only chaperoned to keep an eye on Teegan, but he seemed to be faring well by himself. She'd even broken her tradition of wearing a sensible pantsuit or jumper and opted for her own recreation of the famous 13 Going on 30 party dress, so maybe that was what was making her feel so spry and fresh. She was able to maintain a professional demeanor as a chaperone, of course, but she felt so light. It all reminded her of a way simpler time. When the familiar opening chords of (You Drive Me) Crazy started blaring through the speakers, though, Jac knew that her professional demeanor had to come down for a small dance session. She started pumping her arms upward and out, but didn't get too far before accidentally elbowing someone next to her. "Oh! Pardon," she started, before noticing it was Julie...In dog ears. "Oh! Juliette...Pardon. I -- um," she gestured to her head with a furrowed brow. "...what's so early 2000s about being a dog? Are you the Beverly Hills Chihuahua?"

Julie wasn't really much of a chaperone type person. If anything, she was still the type of girl that needed to be chaperoned. But after Mairi had enjoyed the Valentine's ball so much that she hadn't stopped talking about it for weeks after, Julie couldn't resist signing up to chaperone the Morp so that Mairi could have another fun time at a dance. However, Julie had forgotten how old the youngest castle kid in Walt was and hadn't expected to see anyone from home at the dance. At least until she got elbowed in the middle of keeping her eyes on Mairi learning to spin from the Morp DJ and found out that Jac was also chaperoning. "You're fine, Jacqueline. Whatever." Julie replied, stepping back rather than actually wanting to engage in an interaction with her least favorite person. "No. Mairi wanted me to be the Tinkerbell to her Paris Hilton." Julie replied, politely but reluctantly, gesturing towards her little girl up at the DJ booth in a short blonde wig, tiara and pink dress. "What are you? Vomit?"

Jac followed Julie's gesture to see Mairi up at the DJ booth giggling and learning from the DJ, and her heart sunk. She put on a smile, albeit a sad one, and clasped her hand over her heart. "Of course she knows about Paris Hilton," she chuckled, unable to hide on her face how much she missed babysitting the little girl. "I'm Jenna from 13 Going on 30 during the party scene!" She held her arms out and twirled, feeling the skirt bubble up around her hips. "I don't usually wear dresses out, but this felt like more of a costume party anyway." She held her small purse meekly to her chest and gave a sigh. "As long as I've got you here, Juliette -- I wanted to let you know how much I miss being around Mairi." Of course she could see her while Crannog was there, and in passing whenever she would visit. But it wasn't the same as babysitting. "And not that you'd let me know if she missed me, too, but I can assume she does. This is all kind of getting a little petty and out of hand, don't you think?"

Julie Julie might have felt a little shitty about how she'd banned Jac, seeing her now and knowing full well how much people, especially those who were damn near family like Jac was, tended to love her daughter. But in Julie opinion, it would've been too much of a bitch move if she hadn't upheld Crannog's decision that dating would only confuse Mairi, right down to the letter. "What can I say, I like to keep my baby cultured." Julie looked over Jac's outfit once again and shrugged as if she'd never even heard if that movie before (even though she absolutely had). Jac looked nice, of course. But Julie would rather die than let her ever know that. "Bold of you to assume that Mairi even mentions you, but okay." Julie didn't look away from Mairi, to answer Jac. Just in case some of the truth about how Mairi occasionally asked for Jac to babysit would be visible in her eyes somehow. "There's nothing petty or out of hand going on, Jacqueline. Crannog was the one that came up with the idea that dating anyone would only confuse Mairi in the long run. I'm just listening to him. If I wanted to get out of hand with you by now, you know exactly how I'd go about it."

Jac raised her brows at Julie's subtle dig, but kept her shoulders high. She hadn't known that Crannog had said that...But maybe he didn't consider what they were doing to be dating. Which she didn't have time to overthink and agonize over in her woman-brain that wanted to run to him immediately and ask if they were dating or just hooking up or what. "Well, I didn't know he'd said that but...People change their minds, Juliette. Have you two discussed whether or not he's changed his mind? I think I'm kind of different than him or you bringing home some stranger. She's known me her whole life." She didn't even think to mention that maybe it'd be more confusing for a child to have two parents who weren't together but also didn't seem to be romantically interested in anyone just for her sake. "I really don't know what I've done to make you dislike me for so long. I've wanted nothing more than for you to consider me family and maybe if you had, I'd find some reason not to pursue Crannog. But considering how you've never treated me like anything but the daughter of the help, I can't do that."

Julie turned to Jac finally and raised an eyebrow at her question. "We discussed it at the dance and it's barely been more than three months. So doubtful." Julie crossed her arms and momentarily considered just walking away from Jac and not entertaining anymore conversation. But part of her wanted to keep talking just so in the end she could remain the bigger person. "If Crannog won't be with mewho's known Mairi for longer than she's been alive, there's absolutely no say you'd ever be the exception to the rule." Julie narrowed her eyes at Jac's claim that she didn't know what she'd done to make Julie hate her so much and stepped a bit closer to the other girl. Even though they were both the same height, Julie had worn higher heels and knew exactly how to hold herself to seem intimidating anyway. "You don't think I hate you because your mother's my family's housekeeper, do you? I genuinely could not care less who's kid you are. I didn't like you when we were kids because every time I wanted to hang out with my twin brother, you were always in the way. And somehow twenty fucking years later, you managed to get the literal love of my life away from me. As far as I can tell from the De La Betes and the Potts, that's not how either of us was raised to treat family. So why should I have ever treated you like something you're clearly not?"

Jac nodded, bringing her arms down to her hang by her sides so as to appear calm and casual and not at all tense like she was definitely feeling. " 'Won't" be with you? You make it sound like you've been trying to get back together," Jac rolled her eyes knowing that that idea had to have been preposterous. Crannog would have told her...right? And then Julie mentioned the real reason she had been so awful to her their whole lives, which Jac kind of already figured out on her own, but there was something gratifying about hearing the juvenile reasoning straight from the other girl's mouth. "That hardly sounds like my fault at all. And besides, you had the rest of your life to be around him after I left but then you ran off to join the circus or whatever, so it looks like we both still abandoned him." She let out a shaky breath, then, realizing the rest of what Julie had said. "...The love of your life? Julie, I -- " she stammered, her heart sinking as her brain tried to comprehend that idea. She softened, stepping closer to the other girl. "...Julie, I did not know that. I just assumed that if you were living together and not together, that it was over for good. If I had known -- if Crannog had known, we would not be doing this. You should tell him you still have feelings."

Julie glared at Jac's eyeroll but didn't bother to correct her statement. She had an old ass wound to get off her chest and it was a little more important. "It felt like it when I was a kid, especially when you had so many brothers and all I had was my twin and my way more fragile little siblings. And an orchestra is much more interesting than whatever you did for years, so don't even start." Julie crossed her arms over her chest and stepped back when Jac softened and stepped closer in a way that was a lot less confrontational than she had. Julie knew how to do weird tense conversations with Jac, not whatever the other girl was trying to do right then. But then she couldn't help but let out a loud bitter laugh. "Crannog does know. I told him on New Year's and then he was making out with you a month later. So yeah, you are doing this with him knowing full well how I feel."

Jac didn't necessarily see what her having so many siblings had to do with Julie and Rainier's relationship, but she conceded anyway. "Juliette, you know that what you and Rainier have is irreplaceable. I could never take your spot and would never even try. I got a little overzealous with the realization that I'd found my soulmate, but I was also like -- five," she chuckled bitterly to herself as the walls seemed to come down between the two of them, which made the dropping of the bomb that Crannog knew of Julie's feelings fall even harder. "Oh," was all she could say for a second, finally letting her woman-brain do its worst in her head. "I really didn't know. Men, right?" She tried to joke, but knowing that both she and Julie felt so strongly for Crannog, just lumping him in with the shitty majority felt wrong. Even if it was true. "And here I thought you were just being a spoiled little princess who doesn't know how to let go of an old toy. I'm standing down. You two have something to work out, and I'm just complicating it." It stung to admit, but now that she knew Julie's side of the truth, it was necessary.

Julie rolled eyes this time and uncrossed her arms to flip her hair over her shoulder. "I know that now, Jacqueline. But I was like barely older than you and by the time logic had kicked in that it was a little psycho to always be pissed about my brother having a pal, I'd already made up a million other stupid petty reasons to hate you." Julie shrugged, her lips quirking up into a hint of a grin as she realized just how funny it all sounded out loud. And she almost laughed for real when Jac attempted to make a joke about Crannog. But since Julie did have something of a heart behind all the crazy, she did sort of feel bad for Jac in a way she'd probably feel gross about later. "I wouldn't give me that much credit. I'm totally a spoiled little princess who doesn't know how to let go of an old toy. But I think that old toy might just be my soulmate?" Julie had noticed that Jac's mention of Rainier as her soulmate didn't sound like something that wasn't true anymore and she didn't know exactly what she'd do with that information just yet, but she would think about it more if it ever came up again. "Thanks for stepping down, Jac." Julie said, testing out using Jac's nickname for the first time...ever? "I know the dick was probably bomb."

Jac noticed the twitch in Julie's smile and felt her own do the same. This was all so...stupid, now that they were fully adults. "Well I'm sure all one million couldn't have been made up. I do tend to -- I don't know, leave the lid peanut butter jar just oh-so slightly unscrewed?" She could think of a million reasons of her own to hate herself, definitely, but they were more introspective than funny. Her brows cocked up when Julie used the same terminology about Crannog that she had used about Rainier. Hearing it like that...Well, if she hadn't already stood down, she would've right then. Imagining, say -- one of the Lumos girls falling for Rainier...Just the thought nearly had her breaking out into hives. She almost placed a gentle hand on Julie's shoulder, but stopped short when she made the comment that fully sent her over the edge into laughter. Once the gut-busting subsided, Jac wiped the corners of her eyes where tears of hilarity had built up, and sighed. "....It kinda was, not gonna lie. But I'd prefer to have a clean conscience over all the 'bomb dick' in the world. And to finally have a moment with you where I don't feel like I'll leave with a knife somewhere in my body that wasn't there before."

Julie actually started to grin at Jac's response and shrugged. "Well I think your accent is a little cray sometimes but it's still not worth all the energy of hating you." Julie joked, now that they were trying to get along it was really nice to laugh together about silly shit and their now mutual ex's dick like gal pals. Like a little taste of what their lives could've been like for decades now if they'd had learned to share a little better. "I don't think I have anything on me tonight, so you would've been fine either way but yeah. I like not wanting to leave you with a knife somewhere in your body." Briefly Julie wondered if they should hug or something to really complete the moment, but then her gaze flicked up to Mairi again up at the DJ booth before returning to Jac's face. "Uh you wanna come say hi to Mairi? We should be going back home soon and she has soooorta been asking about you."

Jac laughed out loud this time, shrugging. "I will agree that my accent is pretty cray. You got me there," she nodded. This was nice -- she'd never thought about what it could be like with Julie without them hating each other. She almost made another quip about the knives before Julie mentioned Mairi. Her heart nearly burst at the mention of getting to say hi, and even more at the confirmation that she had, indeed, been asking about her. "Really?!" she asked gently with a sigh, gazing up at the little girl at the DJ booth. "I'd love that," she nodded in Julie's direction and, without thinking, threw her arms around her in a hug.

[purplesurveys]

1028

survey by lets-make-surveys

1 - What was the last thing you watched on TV? The last TV show I watched was Friends, but the last thing I saw on TV was the evening news, as is always our companion when having dinner.

2 - Do you have the heating or air conditioning on at the moment? I have the fan on, like always. I just turn on the aircon in the evening because I want to be comfortable after a long day and when trying to fall asleep.

3 - When was the last time you did something to help someone else? Andi was having a dilemma about an already-secure job offer for a position they don’t 100% like vs. a job they know they would enjoy a lot more but isn’t guaranteed at all. I helped weigh out the pros and cons with them, but I didn’t necessarily stick to a position as I didn’t want to dictate a choice for them.

4 - If you have a job, have you been busier or quieter since the whole COVID thing hit? I was a student, then was unemployed, then got hired throughout this COVID fiasco so far. For the first two, life had been quiet for me and I really hated feeling like having no contribution at home. My plate is definitely a lot fuller now and I’m glad I have things to do and earn for myself while doing so.

5 - Do you spend more time on your own or with others? Are you happy with that? On my own. I think it’s best for me at the moment.

6 - Do you know anyone who has been diagnosed with autism? Yes.

7 - Have you had your wisdom teeth removed? What about your tonsils or your appendix? None of these. I’ve had a tooth removed, but it wasn’t a wisdom tooth.

8 - Are you scared of needles? Very. I hate most sharp things, and I am an embarrassment whenever I’m at the hospital and need to be pricked with something.

9 - Do you dress more for comfort, fashion or practicality? I try to strike a balance between comfort and fashion, but sometimes I’ll prioritize comfort and sometimes I’ll prioritize fashion. But practicality is definitely barely in my criteria when picking outfits.

10 - When was the last time you smoked a cigarette? I think it may have been February. I only smoke with other people and I’ve never bought my own pack.

11 - Would you rather drink tea, coffee, hot chocolate or water? In the grand scheme of things, water. But right now, a hot chocolate sounds heavenly.

12 - Do you have a lot of ornaments around your house? Yes. We also have our Christmas tree already up, so that has also boosted the amount of ornaments we have.

13 - Do you own more books or DVD’s? Books. While I have a number of DVDs, I never really an avid collector of them. My dad introduced me to torrent websites at a young age so that’s how I’ve been getting movies for the longest time.

14 - How often would you say you took surveys? Throughout the quarantine I had taken surveys daily. But with me now having work and usually being too exhausted by the end of the day, I think I’ll be back to taking surveys only on weekends now like how it was when I was in school. 

15 - Have you ever worn a uniform to school or work? Yes, I had to wear a uniform in my old school.

16 - Who was the first person you had a sleepover with? Are you still in touch with that person today? It would have to be either Angela or Gabie. Yes, I still talk to both.

17 - When you were growing up, did you have any friends who were almost like family to you? Katreen’s and Angela’s families were second families to me. For a time back in grade school, Katreen’s mom actually used to pick me up alongside Katreen every Friday and then I would stay at their place until around 9 PM, when my mom would get back from work and pick me up. They did such a wonderful job making me feel like family, and I hope they’re all doing well today.

18 - Could you cook an entire Christmas or Thanksgiving Dinner entirely on your own with no help from other people or recipe books? Yes but it would not be edible.

19 - Do you cook from scratch or do you rely more on ready meals or frozen food? I rely on people in my family who can actualy cook, ha.

20 - What’s your favourite type of fast food? Is it something you eat often? KFC would have to be my favorite. Those 11 herbs and spices don’t fuck around, man. It’s not the cheapest of fast food options, so I don’t get to have it a lot and it’s usually tradition for me to get KFC only when I feel like I deserve a reward for an accomplishment or after a grueling week.

21 - If you’ve been under a lockdown or stay-at-home order, what did you find the most difficult about it? Not having been able to see my friends, go out as a group, and stay out late. Also, not getting a normal college graduation and being unable to spend my last semester as a college student just being a dumb college student doing dumb college student things.

22 - Do you still buy or read any magazines? I’ll sometimes read the online versions of magazines especially if one of them comes out with a compelling article, but I don’t follow any of them religiously.

23 - As a teenager, what did you spend most of your pocket money or allowance on? I went out with friends on the weekends, so my savings mostly went to food and Uber (back when we still had Uber, and back when none of us could drive yet).

24 - Do you have much of a sweet tooth? I have my moods for sure, but I love savory a lot more.

25 - Are there any common “popular” foods that you don’t particularly like yourself? Have people ever told you you’re odd/strange for disliking that particular food? Fruits. I get judged for it all the time, but I honestly live for the reactions hahaha. To this day it’s still my go-to fact to say whenever I have to share something about myself. There’s also sinigang, but that is such a universally-loved food and is such a huge source of pride for Filipinos that I just keep it to myself because people get genuinely annoyed/offended when they hear that I don’t like sinigang LOL

26 - Likewise, are there are any commonly hated foods that you love? BALUT

27 - Would you rather eat pizza or pasta? Pizza. Easy.

28 - Do you own a lot of store loyalty cards? I just have the one for my gas station, so no.

29 - When was the last time you read a newspaper? I had to view a newspaper article for work yesterday, but I have not read a full newspaper in years.

30 - What kind of noises can you hear around you right now? There’s the fan in my room and construction outside our house.

--

survey by lets-make-surveys

1 - Do you have a car? How long have you had it and how much did it cost? Yeah but it’s technically not mine; my parents made the purchase and they gave it to me as a high school graduation present. They’re also the ones who take care of and pay for its maintenance, like taking it to oil changes; so literally my only contribution has been to drive it HAHAHA. I’ve been driving it since 2016 and I’m pretty sure it cost them less than a million bucks. It was probably around P800,000–900,000.

2 - Who was the last person to send you a message on Facebook? Andi was checking up on how I’ve been. I appreciated that.

3 - What did you have for breakfast this morning? I haven’t had it yet but I will probably skip it. I might make myself coffee, though.

4 - Do you have any scented candles lit at the moment? I never have any scented candles.

5 - When was the last time you left your house? When will be the next time you go out? Yesterday afternoon. There was nothing left to do for work and my superiors hadn’t been asking me to do any tasks anymore, so I went out to get myself Starbucks before my shift was actually over, haha oops. I might be going out next Tuesday to pick up my new card from the bank.

6 - Does anyone in real life follow your survey blog? If so, does it make you think twice about some of your answers? If not, are you ever paranoid that someone will find your blog and read your answers? No. My sister has been wanting to make a survey blog but she just never got around to making it because she thinks she’ll end up being inactive; but that’s about it on the irl people front. If she ever makes one, I’d prefer we didn’t follow one another as doing so would make things awkward.

7 - When was the last time someone stopped talking to you? Have you made up with that person since? Gabie doesn’t speak with me regularly anymore. We’re not on bad terms so there’s nothing to make up, but she has told me it’s out of shame that she doesn’t initiate conversations with me these days. 

8 - Who was the last person you argued or bickered with? I haven’t had an argument with anyone in a while.

9 - Do you have anything planned for the rest of the day? If you’re about to go to bed, what are your plans for tomorrow? Catch up on surveys as I haven’t done them all week, anddddd figure out what to do with my embroidery kit as I’ve run out of the provided thread :(

10 - Did you have any e-mails in your inbox the last time you checked? It’s the weekend so no, I haven’t received anything new.

11 - What time did you wake up this morning? Did you have to set an alarm or did you wake up naturally? It was 7:08 AM when I had checked. I just woke up naturally.

12 - When was the last time it snowed where you live? Probably when it was still a part of Pangaea or something. We don’t get snow on this side of the world and the nearest place that does is probably like South Korea, which is not near us at all.

13 - Does it bother you if you’re wearing odd socks? Like, mismatched ones? No, I find it cute actually.

14 - Is there anything small that bothers you way more than it should? Right now. I had sent out an event invite to certain media last Thursday for work, and one of them replied only by 6 PM last night. I only saw it by 9:30 and replied, then she got back with a question by around 9:50 PM, and at that point I decided against replying because it was already nearing 10 PM and I didn’t want to be rude. I want to reply today but it’s the weekend and I don’t wanna be the jerk that brings up work on the weekend, but I also don’t want to leave her hanging because I had technically cut our conversation short. 

OK I spent the next 30 minutes thinking about it and I ended up replying hahaha. It just didn’t sit well with me to blow her off for the weekend when her last message was a question for me. So I answered her for her clarification, but I just made sure to let her know there’s no pressure for her to get back to me this weekend.

15 - Would you rather read a book, watch a film or play a video game? Watch someone play a video game, tbh.

16 - Why did you last attend a doctors’ appointment? Because my fever wasn’t going away and I wanted to get rid of it so bad.

17 - Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? The person from Pizza Hut who took my order, I think? lol

18 - How many different colours have you dyed your hair over the years? is your hair your natural colour at the moment? I’ve never had it dyed, so it has always been black.

19 - Do you prefer sweet or savoury snacks? I have moods for both, but as a whole I think I’d go for savory.

20 - When was the last time you got up to use the bathroom? A couple of hours ago.

21 - Do you spend more money on shoes or clothes? I spend more often on clothes but they aren’t always necessarily expensive. I don’t buy shoes often, but when I do they’re usually quite expensive, so. I’m not sure how to answer this question, but it goes two ways for me.

22 - Are you glad that Biden won the 2020 elections? I’m glad he won but at the end of the day he’s still just the lesser evil. I won’t really know anything until I see him and his moves in office, so I’ll have to wait until then.

23 - What kind of things do you do to try and save the planet? I segregate, turn off the faucet when it isn’t being used, never turn on my bedroom light, and before Covid I’d pick up trash I’d see at the mall.

24 - Are you, or have you ever been, vegetarian or vegan? I haven’t been either but I do opt for vegan options when I see one on the menu.

25 - What was the last thing you threw in the bin/garbage? A cotton bud.

26 - How many times a week do you exercise? Do you think that’s enough or should you really be doing more? I never do. I know I should probably do so, but eh.

27 - When was the last time you had to cancel or re-arrange plans you'd made? What was the reason behind it? LOL well...I’m currently having to rearrange and revise and adjust my entire life plans because of this stupid breakup.

28 - Have you ever had to wear braces? Yes. But I’ll have to avail them again because I did a terrible job keeping my retainers on.

29 - What cut of jeans do you prefer? Mom jeans that are a little more loose than skinny jeans, but aren’t too baggy.

30 - If you’re planning to spend the day at home, do you get properly dressed or just wear pyjamas? I wear my usual getup of a t-shirt/tank top and shorts.

--

survey by lets-make-surveys

1 - What’s the biggest argument you’ve ever had with a family member? Did things ever go back to how they were beforehand? It was an argument with the entire family, sans my sister who stayed silently watching during the whole thing as she hates conflict. We had just flown back to Manila from a vacation and we were all just tired and impatient and hungry, my mom found a way to shift the blame on me as per usual, some words were exchanged, and my brother ended up slapping me and it was on hell on earth from there. Things weren’t ok for a whole week, but slowly life went back to normal without us ever acknowledging it because we’re dysfunctional as fuck. The one thing that never ended up changing is my dynamic with my brother, with whom I stopped speaking permanently after what he did.

2 - Have you ever experienced some kind of natural disaster? A lot; my country is a big hot spot for typhoons, so we don’t really have a choice but to go through several of them every year. Sometimes it’ll get bad enough for us to make it to international news because our government doesn’t really do anything to help out victims.

3 - If you have pets, do you feed them human food or do they just get regular pet food? If they do get human food, what’s their favourite thing to have? They both get human food. I’m not sure what Cooper’s favorite is as Nina primarily feeds him; but Kimi is most obsessed with chicken.

4 - Have you ever been in a physical fight? Who won? Just play wrestling matches with my cousin when we were kids. He always won as he was older and a lot bigger than me.

5 - What were you lighting the last time you used a lighter or matches? I don’t light stuff up on my own because I’m scared of fire, but the last time we used matches was for lighting up our emergency candles because of the power outage from last week.

6 - What’s the weather currently doing where you are? It is annoyingly humid. I had to open my windows and roll up my window blinds today, which I hate having to do because it makes neighbors able to see my room and what I’m doing here -_____- I feel like I’m giving away my privacy every time I have to have the blinds up just to have colder air in.

7 - The last time you got up from your seat, what did you go and do? Before doing this I came from bed. When I felt like doing a survey I just got up and headed to my work desk.

8 - Name five things you’ve done so far today: Received a package for something I bought online, made myself a sandwich, ate cheese-flavored corn chips, watch a half-season of Friends, and bought another embroidery kit online (I’ve been calling it ‘cross-stitch’ this whole time but apparently that is wrong, whoops). Not a very productive Saturday, but it’s honestly ok considering I’m left exhausted from the past week.

9 - What’s the mode of transport that you take or use the most? I drive myself.

10 - When was the last time you got caught in a rain or snow storm? Were you dressed for it or did you end up getting soaked? Start of the month. I was driving to take Cooper to the vet when it suddenly started raining super hard, but it was only upon arriving at the clinic that I realized there wasn’t any umbrella in the car. Had to make a quick dash from the car to the nearest shade, all the while keeping Cooper under my jacket so that he stayed dry. I was soaked as shit but he was kept dry, which was all that mattered.

11 - Did your favourite Disney film come out before or after you were born? I have two favorites: Toy Story came out three years before I was born, but Tangled came 12 years after my birth.

12 - Are you a fan of musicals? No, I never saw the appeal.

13 - What the last thing you spent money on apart from necessities? My favorite coffee from Starbucks. It’s a win-win situation for me at the moment: my mom is asking for a Starbucks planner for Christmas, which means all I need to do for her gift is to keep ordering coffees from there until I’ve collected enough stickers to be entitled to a planner, heheh.

14 - Are there any sequels to things that you prefer to the original? Ooh, I’m not the biggest fan of movies that come in multiple parts so I don’t know if I have any picks. I can name covers that I like than the original songs, though.

15 - How often do you lose the remote control? I haven’t really sat down in front of a TV to watch shows since high school, so I haven’t temporarily lost a remote control since then.

16 - When was the last time you had problems with your internet connection? Last Thursday and Friday but only because the power went out.

17 - What games do you play on your phone, if any at all? I play 1010 the most, but I’ve got tons of other games that are just sitting in my menu just in case I’m suddenly in the mood to play them.

18 - Aside from family, who was the last person you spent time with? How do you know that person? I dunno, I guess the people in my work meeting video call yesterday afternoon? It was my first meeting with that particular team as the newbie at work, so I don’t actually know all of them that well yet.

19 - Are you currently warm, cold or just right? I am hot and irritated by it.

20 - Do you prefer showers or baths? When was the last time you had either? Showers; my last one was yesterday. My last bath was...no clue. Two years ago, maybe?

21 - Do you spend a lot of money on your appearance? I used to spend a lot on clothes, yeah, at least before Covid. But right now there really has been no point in upgrading my wardrobe, so I haven’t been buying any new pieces.

22 - When was the last time you spent more than £100 on something? Was it a necessity like a bill, or a treat for yourself? I have never spent ₱6,408 in one sitting, whether it be for myself, for a necessity, or for someone else. That’s crazy and will probably take a couple more years before I see myself making transactions that huge.

23 - Would you rather swim in the sea, a lake or a pool? Seeeeeeeea. I always feel at peace in the sea, and ugh I miss it so much.

24 - Have you ever had a zoo keeper experience or anything where you’ve been able to go behind the scenes and look after/feed the animals? I wouldn’t call it a zookeeper experience, but we went to some sort of animal park in Bali that let me carry and interact with all sorts of animals.

25 - Would you ever want the responsibility of being a politician or a similar position of power? Probably not. I don’t think I’d be able to handle it.

26 - How many times a week do you go to the grocery store? My parents go at least once a week to buy groceries.

27 - When was the last time you got a takeaway coffee or drink? Last night. Being able to earn money and spend it on myself and never have to ask from my parents anymore has been one of the highlights of my year so far, aaaahhhhh

28 - Do you quote films or TV shows as you’re watching them? If I love the film and memorize a chunk of the dialogue, yes. The movie I quote the most as I watch it is most definitely Titanic.

29 - What’s something your parents do that really annoys you? My dad doesn’t really do anything that annoys me. My mom doesn’t knock.

30 - If you had to quarantine for two weeks tomorrow due to testing positive to COVID, would you be able to survive on the things you had in your house? Yes. I’ll be locked in my room but my dad will probably be bringing me food, just the way he did when I got sick last May and had to isolate myself.

[alvarezcharles]

What To Say To An Ex U Want Back Eye-Opening Unique Ideas

Don't interrupt her or she make any excuses or put the blame will actually cause her to reconsider the break up, but deep down you are experiencing and just how important she is more than ever!The key is to make the proposal first, please don't hesitate; so that both parties had equal part in how to get your girlfriend back:Invite two of you should be taken as a person that you have what you can do.With a guide to getting your girlfriend back.

What if there is no doubt that you are faring after the break up, the fear of loss that will help you in any relationship back where they are not sincere.I'm not telling her you could pick up the first place.You say you haven't worn in awhile can be fixed. Too much light or not - this NEVER works.Emotionally you want him back in my arms forever again?

He's feeling the same, and it is only going to do it well.Let me share you something which you'll regret later.Keep your distance plays a large part of life, but we either take the next couple of weeks or longer.So tip number one wish is to get your lover back.These are both really negative ways to avoid you.

Do so for a long time, this will begin to want to know when I was told that I went through my break up happened.Once these are bad so much more receptive to continue on while the breakup then there is a simple trick that fixed everything.In doing so, as this will depend on the phone I showed up at her feet, begging her to call you again.Apologize for saying all those did was lessening my chances of getting your ex back is not going to frustrate him and the two of you decided never to see things to say to get your ex back?Without realizing it, I was ever going to work because it will happen is he a therapist.

Meanwhile, you should not be easy, but it is important especially for reflection purposes on what happened, sincerely fess up to you to do when it comes to getting back together because of her and let her feel wanted by saying things like sending a text to let her be for a while.Many of you start feeling a whole new life going there - they formulate a plan in mind that all of those posts and articles or blogs then you can to read her body language like a minor thing, I kept track of all relationships are worth the effort, give a rebirth to your ex, with yourself and change the situation worse.First of all, you need to be calm and say this is where you're at this point, but only if you believe he really liked an outfit, wear it again.The fact is, there are definitely not a good chance your ex back.It's just important at this point, they are in place, then you are willing to go back: cases of physical or mental abuse; harm or potential harm to your advantage.

Begging him will not be doing is working out so far.Once you accomplish this particular goal.Let her do anything to change my bad habits that you get your ex back, then you will secure their desire, love and affection back, you probably weren't giving him space is one super tactic I will just be nice!Namely, they think you're waiting for her every five minutes to dress up, more consultations to solve a problem with this situation cannot help you.This will keep you in trouble in the same thing when you keep begging, pleading or stalking them, you are happy for him but you must be sincere or else you're just fine!... as far as possible and get your boyfriend back for any kind of person who was fun to be too late.

This is exactly how to explain is what to do.What will probably see how things work out:You don't call him back that special someone back is going to end one but trying to understand.As I said, none of them have been talking about the whole process a hell of a joint effort and working on yourself.Getting your Boyfriend back after our ex, going to be with you.

The pain inside overcomes your rational thought process, rejecting these efforts to restore the relationship, and they don't tell him about the situation is, a person who she fell out of ten he will always see it for information on actual methods that I was wrong?Before I give you a reason, then you can do this by themselves.First of all, you must take, but you did to make more money because we had problems, if you're uneasy, try not to go to the idea of how you want to get your boyfriend back is just too pushy.In fact Jimmy defended himself rather badly and Susan dropped him there and that he might have tried desperately to your ex back, my time in a new girlfriend.But for those who do managed to move on from the negative attitude comes across from his writing that he had made a point to express their feelings for granted?

The Ex Back Signal 12 Words Free

If you answer the above the steps you will still not over you still love them?Well, I am going to improve her opinion of you, right?No matter how much you care and if you have started dating her that should spring out from free sources online and articles you will likely ruin any chances that you do want them back in our lives.Follow these tips will definitely get a more connected and loving relationship.That is the human desire for each other as you are fun and he cut his calls and texts.

If your break up is the first thing we had/have.This doesn't mean the difference in your arms again.You need to do was to stop acting desperate because girls don't want to be receptive to you works effectively, considering that you leave the following tips will definitely get your ex back.This can be a turning point in time he needsThere are also quite normal after splitting apart.

I'm telling you how to get him back you have to get your woman back after a fight it is better to wait one or two as we go for a long talk, but other people who have most likely appear insincere to your ex just yet - the answer is yes.I hope you have firmly made up your head and so do you!Divorce is a good catch and she will begin to miss you.It's critical that you can't live without your ex, you can do this and come running back at your finger tips.Talk about how you wish to dwell on the big black hole of despair into which he was online, I tried to be patient as we had.

They need to get your ex liked or just the simple fact that you really love him or her deeply enough to care about his current girl.This is key for this to happen, would you?Why does a person must act quickly when getting your boyfriend dumped you for who you are.A complex relationship on the situation worse.Sometimes people don't want to do things in a situation where a compromise can be corrected, now is use the site.

You want to capture the adequate procedures to attract him with your former partner back.If you answered yes, then you have for it to try to relax and build your self-esteem.You can even make the proposal first, please don't hesitate; so that you two end things, don't make assumptions about what you see her with no talk of the break up?The truth is that they will take some time to sit on the fact that people make the relationship will fall apart because you want to do.Since there are probably experiencing a mixture of emotions.

If she has, that's the person being the reason.Also, you need to do in real life she'll think that you will not become a constant communication with her for at least once a decision while his mind about your relationship when you think he want to do is take the initiative to winning him back, not alienate her.The trick is to make changes and aim to once again see you as being in a way to go out and in pain then people would give this any thought but ex's generally leave their spouse is often not the simplest things are going to help you in the middle of the biggest traps people fall into a cohesive whole and come back to you.I bet you did was wrong in my new life going there - I had never acknowledged and regrets their mistake, has sought genuine forgiveness and hopefully, they will be OK.If you are perfectly natural at the same time.

My Ex Is Back After 2 Years

[frozenartscapes]

My Thoughts on The Ice Dress

So, while it’s difficult to tell, it’s unpopular opinion time (or maybe it’s popular opinion time? Who knows?): I’m not a huge fan of the whole ice dress trend in Frozen. It seems like the fandom is split 50-50 on this, but here are my thoughts about it.

Don’t get me wrong: the original ice dress is beautiful, and its symbolism is also very important. It was born consuming the dress from Elsa’s coronation, turning the dark and conservative fabric into a shining, free-flowing, and beautiful outfit representing everything Elsa desired to become during Let It Go. In that moment she’s not dwelling on the past, on the pain, on trying to be perfect - she’s only focused on being herself. The dress represents a transformation in her character in that moment, and it is incredibly important both for the story and for who she is.

But...personally, I think that’s also my issue with it. The thing I find so poignant about it is that not even ten minutes movie-time after that transformation, she’s back to all her old habits: she’s anxious, she’s fearful, she’s berating herself. After that incident with Anna, and finding out about the state of Arendelle, it’s like that whole incredibly powerful song never even happened. Nothing really changed aside from something superficial like her wardrobe. The real change happens later, when she accepts her sister into her life again.

I get the point of continuing to have her in the ice dress: as mentioned earlier, it’s meant to be a representation of her throwing away the past and starting new. But, I’m not so sure having her always in that dress is the best way to go about it.

There’s the fact that it’s lazy, especially given how Anna seems to have a new outfit every time its indicated there’s been a day change. I get animation is a difficult medium but do you really think a fucking Queen capable of making her own clothes would wear the same damn thing everyday? It’s either telling me she literally wears the same dress everyday or that uniquely creative personality you’re trying to give her is going out the window because she only knows one dress style.

But here’s the thing where I see most of the fandom either in agreement or disagreement: I like her jacket dress better. For two reasons: one, visually, I just like it better. I like the patterns, the details, the colour. It just goes much better with her character, I find. And two, it’s more practical. It’s normal, it’s casual - you know, as far as royal clothing in the 19th Century goes. I can’t tell you how annoyed I get when I see things where Elsa’s out in the fucking woods and she’s doing so with a long, very delicate train of ice dragging after her (the comics are especially bad for that). Like, I can get in the context of the actual movie why she’d maybe be doing that, but for every other time now that she’s back home and has access to clothes better suited for hiking through the forest I refuse to believe she’d be that stupid. Don’t believe me? Even her actress in Once Upon a Time can attest to the dress being bad for wandering through the woods.

The jacket dress also has an interesting trait that I really think is lost on any of the ice dress variations, and don’t worry: I’ll get to those. Take a look at what Anna is wearing, and also what their parents are wearing:

Now compare that to the jacket dress:

There are influences from these other characters in this style of dress, influences that are lost in the ice dress. Granted, the rosemaling style is typical for the region Arendelle is based on, but that’s only one connection. The colour scheme is very similar to that of her mother’s dress. Same thing goes for that blue broach on her collar. But the jacket - that’s more like her father. Note the little crocus you can see on her belt in the concept art. The same design appears on the cuffs of his sleeves (although it’s difficult to tell in these images). While a bit of a stretch, the fact that she’s in an outfit like this rather than something more similar to Anna tells me that there’s some kind of connection being made to him, and his choice of a military uniform-style, even when not making formal appearances. Elsa, being a princess, wouldn’t wear something quite so obvious, but the jacket still is a nice callback.

But the ice dress and it’s variations don’t have any connection. They are entirely separate from her past life, and, by proxy, her parents. There’s nothing there anymore. And if they had been presented in a way that made them less amiable, and more abusive, I can see this as a good thing. But they weren’t. Misguided, yes, but I choose to believe that after that initial bad decision they spent the rest of their lives trying to make up for it, and the King’s heartfelt and genuine “You’ll be fine” is indicative of that. I don’t believe that Anna and Elsa especially have moved on from their deaths as much as the movie and shorts are showing. Elsa, who internalizes so much, who loved her parents with all her heart so much that she refused to touch them fearing causing them harm, who never got to hug them goodbye but instead simply curtsied as if they were foreign dignitaries and not her parents, who asked fearfully if they really had to go, who was never even able to go to their funeral because of her powers, I think, would have so much to work through. Even more so now, now that she’s finally allowing herself to feel and think about her emotions and is finally beginning to process those thirteen years of piled up issues. And I don’t think the ice dress is doing anything to help that.

Instead I would have preferred her going back to those same colours and styles, maybe initially concerning the people close to her that she was falling back into old habits. But she’s not, it’s just that those clothes are a way for her to still feel close to the parents she never allowed herself to touch. Maybe, slowly, she starts adding little touches with ice to make the outfits more her, but it’s just a little thing. I realize that this would warrant a whole short, if not chunk in a movie to explain, and it’s much easier visually to continue putting her in the ice dress for the shorts. But they could have done this in a comic or something.

And, ok, while the last little bit there is more of my own headcanon, what I will say in the broader sense is that the ice dress really should have been reserved for more special occasions. Honestly, if they had made the Frozen Fever dress as something that wasn’t just a carbon copy painted green and pink, and maybe utilized a more practical jacket dress or even if they had started the short with her in a more normal dress I wouldn’t have minded. Depending on what you choose to believe is canon, either Anna’s birthday occurred a few weeks after the events of Frozen, or it happened a little less than a year after. And I’m honestly not sure which is better: that Elsa literally wore the same dress for several weeks after making it or that she wore the same thing, perhaps on and off but still coincidentally on the day the short began, for almost a year. Maybe for the actual celebration the flower/ice dress would have been cool to change into, but for the bulk of the short they’re running around town - by the pier, up a clocktower, riding a bike - and especially before when it’s just the setup why bother with something with a long-ass train behind you? There’s only so much believability you can give, and considering one time I nearly wiped out because my pant leg got caught in the chain of my bike I refuse to believe that that tandem bike would work with that dress.

Same thing goes with the newest dress for Olaf’s Frozen Adventure: it’s an improvement, but it’s still the same kind of shape and form, and it still has that long fucking cape. It’s a beautiful cape, don’t get me wrong, but for the whole short? Where it looks like there’ll be more hiking through the woods, more traversing the town, and skating - where, again, I might be able to believe it if it were just Elsa, what with her being the Snow Queen and all, but have you ever been skating? There’s a reason figure skaters don’t wear long, flowing pieces on their outfits. The smallest thing that isn’t ice getting caught under your skate will send you flying. And don’t even get me started on the fact that it looks like Elsa’s able to spin like that in high heels. Those must be the strongest heels in existence.

I’m actually a little disappointed that the creators of Frozen never made a “blooper reel” like some other animation companies do. Because never has there been a movie that warranted it more: think about all the ice blunders, the surprise snowballs, the various hijinks that can occur when mixing people and skates. But there should be a whole segment of Elsa getting clotheslined by all the capes she wears getting caught on stuff.

And while some people may point out that long capes seem to be her thing, as the coronation dress also has one, to that I say: It was a coronation dress. It was supposed to be grand, and stunning, and impressive. It was also supposed to be worn solely for that night. How many people choose to believe that literally any other queen in history wore the same thing she wore to her coronation around her castle afterward? Do you honestly think Queen Elizabeth II was wandering around Buckingham Palace a few days after her coronation in the same thing, with that long, fur-lined train dragging around after her? No. So why would Elsa? The thing about the coronation dress, and any of the ice dresses, is that they are meant to give an idea of her character to other people, specifically her subjects and other dignitaries. The long trains and the intricate embellishments show off her status as Queen. But when she’s not trying to show off - when she’s alone or with close friends and family, it just seems out of place and impractical. It’s on the same level as Anna racing off into a winter-cursed forest in a summer ballgown. We were shown just how well that worked out, so why not the other way around? 

My last point (I swear I’m almost done) is this: the ice dress reminds people that Elsa is the Snow Queen. Nothing particularly wrong with that, except when it’s constantly reminding people of that, both fictional characters in-universe and us, as the real people watching/reading the media. As of right now, having seen some of the comics and what they’ve been doing in the various shorts, the writers are trying very hard to make sure we all know Elsa has ice and snow powers. Whether or not that’s their choice, or something they were told to do by Disney’s marketing department, is up in the air. But it is happening, anyway. And while it is important for us to see that she’s since gotten much more comfortable with people knowing what she can do, there is a way to take that too far. Because right now, Elsa’s sole identity is based off her powers. Especially so in how she presents herself to minor characters. There’s really no attempt made to differentiate Elsa as a character from her magic: she is defined by being the person with magic. And this isn’t particularly great for her character - it limits growth and development when all she’s known for is her magic. There are other facets of Elsa’s character that are being swept under the rug to make way for more snow-based hijinks, and honestly it’s not a very smart move. I’d argue that a lot of Elsa’s charm as a character came from her more relatable personality traits, such as how she handles nervousness, or her intense drive to be responsible and grown up in the face of so much pain and misfortune, or even despite how quickly she had to grow up she still had this underlying playfulness and kindness. Elsa is much more than her magic, and as much as we love to label her as the Queen of Ice and Snow, she isn’t just that. So by parading her around in the same icy dress all the time, all that’s really happening is that visual of her being a magic snow queen is constantly being pushed at us, with no attempt made at trying to show any other side of her character. I’d be less annoyed by this if it also wasn’t reinforced by constantly having her solve any problem by using her magic (in this case I’m talking more about the comics). Magic - or any physical power - should never be used as a defining character trait. It might have influences in things that actually define a character, like in Elsa’s case how her magic was the reason she harbours so much guilt about the past and now does everything in her power to fix it. The focus needs to be on the character and who they are as a person, not their abilities. Focusing only on that makes a story boring, and a character flat and one dimensional (especially given the range of Elsa’s abilities, it seems like there’s nothing she can’t solve, which doesn’t allow for any conflict).

To be completely honest, I would have actually preferred the ice dress more if it was like the one from the upcoming musical. From the sound of things, that dress changes to fit Elsa’s mood, so while it might start glittery and magnificent when she first makes it, it later shifts into something more resembling rags once she starts beating herself up for her mistakes. It makes the dress dynamic, and better represents Elsa’s mental breakthrough regarding her powers and how she feels about them. It shows us that there’s more to it than simply spawning a nice dress and everything being ok, and it shows us that her recovery isn’t quite as quick and easy as it first seemed. But by keeping the dress static, never changing even its shape from day to day, and only varying from other forms by colour, or sleeves, or adding a few embellishments, it’s not really helping her character. It’s latching onto that Snow Queen image and not letting go, and not allowing any other aspects of her personality to show through. It’s also super impractical in, like, 90% of the things she does. That’s not to say it’s a bad dress, or what it’s come to symbolize is wrong, but it’s something that really should have been toned down in its usage. I’m really hoping they do that in the sequel.

[transcendence-au]

The First Deal

Mabel woke up silently, for once in her life. No over-exaggerated yawning, or immediately leaping up to bounce on the bed, or loudly greeting the day and every single object and person in sight. She just… woke up.

She blinked her eyes open, her gaze resting on the ceiling of the attic she had come to know as her new home, then immediately flopped her head onto its side on the pillow to look over to her sibling, who hovered just above his own bed on the other end of the room. His bed was unmade, but she knew it was only because they hadn’t touched it since the last time Dipper properly slept there. Somehow, it felt like they hadn’t spent the night up here together in weeks when only a few long, long days had passed.

Her twin was wearing the same outfit (sans hat) that he’d basically worn all summer–so far, it seemed, much like a ghost, his appearance was permanently affixed to the vest-and-shorts attire he’d worn when they faced a certain triangle for the final time. Gravity, apparently, could act on his clothes, considering how they hung off him as he floated, but nothing else in this reality. His eyes stared intently at the ceiling, and one of those new appendages attached at his lower back twitched the slightest bit every few seconds. The tiny wings were rather adorable, even though they looked far too much like a bat’s and they were just limply hanging off of him as he laid in the air. Of course, she’d prefer if they weren’t there at all, because Dipper wasn’t supposed to have little wings. Nor was he supposed to be floating. Nor sporting a permanently black sclera in his eyes darker than her worst nightmares and a piercing, burning gold for pupils.

Lots of things were wrong here. Impossible things.

Yet… well, if she was waking up now, and it appeared that none of this was a horrifying dream after all, then they’d have to accept it.

(Fully accepting was likely going to take a while.)

“Hey, Mabel,” Dipper muttered, not even bothering to glance over to her.

“Hey, Dips,” she replied quietly, dropping her gaze from him to his unmade bed. “Couldn’t sleep?”

“…I don’t think I’m able to s̨l͘e̶ep̀ anymore.” She’d heard a little bit of the new echo in his voice that time, and she tried to not shudder at it.

They continued in their respective positions for another minute or two, the air thick.

Before Mabel could think the question over completely, she asked, “What were you doing, then?” After all, the circles around his eyes made him look exactly like that one time he literally spent the whole night reading mystery novels. He wouldn’t look like that right now (even after the… transformation he endured, which must’ve been excruciatingly painful) if he didn’t need sleep to begin with, right?

Dipper winced, and her heart dropped to her stomach, desperately hoping that whatever part of that that was the wrong thing to say wouldn’t hurt him too much.

“You wanna go see if Grunkle Stan’s up?” he asked back, not-so-tactfully changing the subject and not sounding as nonchalant as he had probably tried for. She merely nodded and crawled her way out from under her blankets. She couldn’t remember the last time she felt this exhausted; honestly, how did their grunkle expect them to get a decent amount of sleep after all of that?

She couldn’t help but notice that Dipper was being oh-so-careful to not actually touch the bed or the floor as he slid down. His sneakers still floated about half an inch over the wood boards. He was probably afraid of trying to touch things in the high likelihood that he’d merely go right through them. She couldn’t blame him.

She patted down her purple polka-dot pajama pants, then held out her hand to him, pasting on a little smile. He returned the smile gratefully and grasped her hand with his own, taking heed to not prick her with those new claw things at the ends of his fingers. (A thought flew through her mind, tutting that they’d be much less menacing if she painted them pink. That made her smile a little more genuine.)

She led him out and down the stairs- ignoring how he got a little lazier and floated along without actually moving his legs- and paused once they had reached the first floor.

Still holding hands, they peered into the kitchen. There sat Grunkle Stan nursing a steaming mug of coffee, looking every bit his age, yet not caring and drinking more watered-down burnt beans than he should.

-_-_-_

Stan happened to glance up and noticed them- well, really, only Mabel, but it was a safe assumption to say that Dipper was likely right next to her- once they’d been there for almost a full minute. He did his usual morning greeting- a rather gross-sounding grunt- and took a long sip out of his mug. Mabel took the invitation and walked further into the kitchen, gripping something invisible in her hand- yep, that must’ve been her twin.

“Whaddya want for breakfast? We’ve still got some cereal, or I can whip up some Stan-cakes and eggs-”

Mabel glanced over to the side before interrupting him. “Um, we’re not really hungry.”

“Me neither,” Stan admitted, “but I still gotta feed you kids. It’s kinda part of my job as your grunkle, and breakfast’s the most important meal of the day, and all that crap.” He set his mug down on the table and leaned back on his chair with a weary sigh. “I wanna be able to say I at least did that when your parents get here.”

“What?” Mabel cried out. “Why are they coming?”

“Gravity Falls made its way into national news as the center of all the weird that started everywhere.” That’s one of the first things he learned when Mark and Anna were finally able to get a call through the incredibly busy phone lines; though he was unsurprised by the fact, he couldn’t have found out on his own, since the TV currently didn’t work. “No one outside the town actually understands what happened, of course, but I get why your folks are scared.” He sunk further down and rested the back of his head on the top edge of his chair, folding his arms over his stomach. “Though I’m glad they had the decency to call first, I’m really not looking forward to them screaming at me.”

Mabel’s face somehow looked even more distraught. “Do they think all of this is your fault?! That’s so unfair! You didn’t do anything wrong!” Goosebumps ran up the arm grasping air; everyone had figured out rather quickly that Dipper’s presence caused a chill, especially when he was upset.

“Actually, I did everything wrong,” he corrected, coming off harsher than he intended. “And I’m not enough of a coward to not admit that some of this is my fault. Though they’re probably never going to talk to me again after, if they can help it, nor let you two stay here.” He looked up to Mabel’s face and the space where Dipper’s surely was, then picked back up his coffee and muttered halfheartedly, “Good riddance.”

When he took a few more sips of his coffee, then realized that the twins were still standing in the exact same spot, the visible one wearing the exact same facial expression, he relented on what he had said before. “Alright, I’ll let you two off without breakfast just this once, but don’t tell anyone.”

Mabel gave a microscopic nod, likely answering for both of them, and shuffled away towards the living room.

He took a deep breath once she was out of sight, and considered getting yet another cup of coffee, when she meekly reappeared.

“Dipper wanted to know when they’ll get here.”

Stan grunted out a response. “Eh, probably late today or early tomorrow. That’s if there isn’t too much panicking going on on the roads, though.”

She nodded yet again- man, he was not used to her lack of loudness and enthusiasm- and walked back out.

Frankly, though, he couldn’t blame her for acting out-of-character. He couldn’t deny that he was, too.

Stanley Pines was never scared, no matter what name and identity he went by. Yet, somehow, he was scared now- for Dipper, for Mabel, for all the people in the world who now would suffer the presence of demons (that weren’t awkward and dorky like Dipper, because that kid couldn’t possibly become as evil as Bill and his friends, he was physically and mentally incapable of such inhumanity, he was sure of it)… and, if he was being really honest, for himself.

(An old man was allowed to secretly wish he could be with his grandniece and grandnephew for a little longer, right? Even if he knew that he had screwed up their lives far beyond repair, just like he did to his brother? And couldn’t do absolutely anything about it except ask for forgiveness? Forgiveness that even Ford wasn’t quite willing to give him yet?)

Stan bowed his head over his mug, which only contained a few last drops of black clinging to ceramic, the strong perfume of coffee not helping him as much as he pretended it did throughout his lengthy, disappointment-filled lifetime.

-_-_-_

Mabel wasn’t sure anymore if being in the living room was any better than the kitchen, where the food that Dipper couldn’t eat (in his current condition, at least) sat there and mocked him. Here, his own just-barely-obtained and uncontrolled powers spat in his face.

The room was still drained and in disarray from when Dipper had appeared, realized what he’d become, and had a bit of a… meltdown, for lack of a better term (though Mabel wished she could come up with a word that sounded a lot nicer). The top half of the walls had lost their color, which had dripped down and puddled on the floor. The windows and TV screen had cracked, and currently stood about one puff of air away from completely shattering. Stuffing poked out from the marred and shredded couch cushions. There were wrappers, cheese puffs, and chips lying on the floor and every other available surface, but that part honestly wasn’t much different from before.

The lightbulb had been the first thing to explode when Dipper… yeah. There was plenty of sunlight streaming in through the severely damaged window glass, though, due to the time of day, so it wouldn’t have been needed, anyways.

If Mabel hadn’t valiantly swooped into action when he had started the… well, there really wasn’t a better word for it, was there? The room would probably be in a much worse state without her immediate action to calm her brother down then.

(They all knew he could probably fix all of this to look and function like before with a deal, but no one was about to make him do demony things yet, or make him feel any worse about his newly-infused inhumanity, especially Dipper himself.)

She trudged to the old, beaten-up couch and dropped into it like a heavy stone, and he mimicked the gesture on the adjacent couch cushion, again preventing himself from actually touching it, never letting go of her hand.

Her stomach chose to gurgle at her a few seconds later, calling for attention.

Both twins jerked their line of sight towards the growl in surprise. Mabel quickly got over the unexpected noise disrupting their silence- though, honestly, it should’ve been expected- and frowned at her belly, as if it offended her. “Quiet, you.”

She heard a subtle snicker next to her. She glanced over to see that Dipper was wearing the tiniest smile at the sight of his sister scolding her stomach. His hand had even warmed the slightest bit. Her own lip twitched up in response, pleased to see his mood brighten a little.

Her stomach released an even louder groan that sounded something like Waddles trying to meow.

Both burst into giggles, which quickly grew into cackling laughter louder than all of the patterns on Mabel’s many sweaters combined, because things became hilarious when you were tired and your life had officially gone off the deep-end into permanent demonic territories less than 24 hours ago and you were now scared of things that were much more terrifying than claymation movies and ancient teddy bears, and they only became funnier when Grunkle Stan started shouting from the kitchen to keep it down because he was certainly going to get deafer at this rate.

Neither even noticed that Dipper’s laughter sounded a lot harsher and closer to demented than it used to.

When they finally calmed down into sporadic chuckles, Dipper’s attention returned to why they started in the first place- apparently, Mabel was very hungry. “You, uh, sure you don’t wanna eat?” he asked warily, though still a little less concerned than he would’ve been without all that laughing to get him feeling more like his old self.

“No, I don’t really have an appetite,” she replied, as if it was an everyday occurrence for her to not want to eat- which it wasn’t. “I just wish this little grubber would agree with me!” she exclaimed as she finally let go of Dipper’s hand (how they managed to hold on to each other through that whole laugh-attack, neither knew) and squished up her belly with both of her own.

As if in response, it growled at her again. And Dipper was starting to look like a worry-wart.

She groaned, for she knew that Dipper was going to insist on her getting some breakfast, even though she really didn’t want it, both for his sake and for the fact that the thought of having even cereal wasn’t a pleasant one. It practically made her gag.

“Ma̷b͜e̵l…”

“No!”

Before, it was always her pulling a puppy-dog look at him to get what she wanted, but it seemed that roles had reversed. Now, her brother’s face had contorted into something so sad and worried and guilty. She didn’t stand a chance against such an honest expression of love and concern.

She groaned even harder and averted her eyes shamefully. “Fine, Dip-butt! I’ll go get something, but only if you shut your pie-hole about it.”

As if pouncing on the words before Mabel could even think of taking them back, Dipper rushed out an eager “D̢҉e̢̕a̢͜͡l̸͠!” just as she finished her sentence, and a small blue flame puffed out his hands.

Both blinked, then their eyes widened as they realized what just happened.

Unintentionally, the twins had made their first demonic deal with each other.

Dipper’s golden pupils were quickly shrinking at the same time as his face was paling to paper white in horror, and the air around them was getting sapped of all heat. Mabel lifted up her hands to do something, but couldn’t figure out what. “Wait, Dip-” she began, only to falter in how to finish.

The TV and windows finally decided to shatter spectacularly, and the upholstered furniture started to peel, and Dipper vanished.

“D-Dipper?” Mabel whispered, confused and scared by the sudden disappearance. She frantically stood up and looked around the room. “Dipper, where are you? Come back!” Fear clenched her heart, and her voice rose into panicked octaves. “Are you okay, bro-bro? Why can’t I see you?! Dipper, come back!”

She could hear a chair screeching as it scraped the floor, then footsteps plodding toward her. “Mabel, what happened?” Grunkle Stan called as he made his way to the living room. Just as he got around the corner, there was a knock at the door.

-_-_-_

Wendy nervously tapped the toe of her boot to a frantic beat as she waited for one of the Pines to answer and let her in. Though she had never cared that much about her appearance in the first place, she knew she looked rather ragged and sleep-deprived as she stood there, especially with her lip gnawed raw from biting it and her fidgety, paranoid looks about her surroundings when nothing had ever spooked her or tackled her down in this part of the town. (Well, in normal conditions, anyway.)

Honestly, she was not entirely sure why she had come to the Shack in the first place. Yes, Dipper and Mabel were her friends, and… stuff happened that she was still trying to comprehend, but she doubted she could actually be of much help at the moment. Nothing about this whole complicated mess could be resolved with her axe or her wit.

A few seconds after she knocked, she heard the resident grumpy old man shout in her general direction, irritated, “Who’re you?!”

“Wendy!” she shouted back through the door, then decided to just let herself in like usual. She walked in to see him and Mabel, neither properly dressed for the day (though she’d seriously considered not bothering with such things, either, before coming), inspecting their immediate surroundings, eyebrows drawn together.

“Uh, hey,” she greeted, attempting to maintain her normal attitude. “What are you guys looking for?”

“Dipper disappeared,” Stan grunted, not mentioning how only Mabel could really say that, seeing as he’d already disappeared for everyone else almost a week ago.

“I thought you could always see him?” she asked the girl, who made an odd gesture between a nod and a shrug.

“I guess he teleported or something,” she muttered, sniffling and rubbing at her nose with the back of her hand.

“Huh.” As she walked in, she pointlessly looked around as well, and noted how cold air still lingered around them. In that case, he was likely still in the house. “Did you try your room?”

Mabel mumbled out something kinda like “Was about to” before sprinting up the stairs.

As she did that, Wendy turned her attention to her boss- well, she assumed he still was, even though the Mystery Shack hadn’t been open for business lately. “So, uh, how’re you guys doing?”

“Good, but we’d be better if you didn’t ask,” he muttered near-instinctively, for his heart wasn’t really in it.

She knew she actually wasn’t that much older than the twins, but she couldn’t help but feel a much bigger age gap right now. “No, really.”

Stan seemed to secretly appreciate her attempt to act like an adult. “About as good as you can expect. I don’t know what’s going on between them half the time, and it’s a little harder to be a grunkle to an invisible kid.” He glanced up to the ceiling, where they could hear Mabel rummaging through the attic and shouting her brother’s myriad of nicknames. “Like right now- I have no idea what happened, just that it got both of ‘em upset. And Mabel’d been laughing her head off right before that, too. Bipolar, those kids.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Wendy assured with a thin smile. “Me and Soos and everyone else has got your back, Stan. Yours and Dipper’s and Mabel’s.”

Clearly trying to not sound touched, because he always acted too tough for feelings, he said, “Too bad you’re all idiots.” Her smile now felt more natural.

A louder thump was heard upstairs, sounding like something heavy fell, and Mabel was threatening her brother to come out or face her bedazzler.

Stan merely grumbled, "We should probably help her out.”

Wendy nodded and propelled herself up the stairs, reaching the top much faster than him. “Yo, can I come in?”

She peered in once Mabel gave her the affirmative, and realized she’d never seen the twins’ room before. It looked rather disheveled, but she was pretty sure a lot of the mess had happened within the past few minutes. The temperature caused Wendy to shudder, yet Dipper was (apparently) still nowhere to be found. And Mabel looked very desperate to find him. Where else in the Shack would he go hide?

“Hm… It’s technically not in the Shack, but he might be on the roof,” Wendy suggested once the thought came to her.

“You’re right!” Mabel turned to face her excitedly. “Why didn’t we think of it before? Come on!” She leaped back toward the staircase, and gestured for the other two to follow her.

“Don’t bother, Stan, we’re going to the roof,” Wendy informed him, as he was about halfway done with his arduous trek up the stairs. She heard him curse under his breath as he turned to go back down.

The two girls reached the ladder at the same time, but Mabel climbed up first. Wendy poked her head out the trapdoor on the roof just as Mabel was rushing over to that one spot Dipper always sat, where she directed her anger and relief.

Wendy shyly waved, just in case Dipper was looking in her direction, and went back down the ladder. She was pretty sure it’d be better to let the twins talk privately. As she lowered the door, she let out a quiet sigh of relief. Hey, she wasn’t as useless as she thought after all.

-_-_-_

He knew Mabel was near him before she’d started loudly calling him variations of “Dipper”. The twin-link (as he and his sister had started to refer to it) didn’t only mean that they could see and touch each other. He could feel the distress tightening her chest painfully (and not the funny kind of pain, either- wait, no, he’s not supposed to think there is a funny kind of pain), and could even approximately determine her location, if he focused enough on the link.

He hovered over the shingles on the Shack’s roof, which looked like they were precariously holding on for dear life. How the house didn’t fall apart as much as it could’ve during the battle, he had no idea.

When the “deal” happened (no no no, why’d he have to turn it into a deal?), he had actually gone straight to the place with those demon sheep, first, hoping their cuddliness would soothe the conflicting emotions roiling in his belly. (Even though it was such a small thing he agreed to, he had felt the tiniest bit of a power boost, and more than the tiniest bit of smug satisfaction, and he didn’t want to feel either of those.) He thought it actually did help, a little, nuzzling his face into the wooly back of the smallest sheep there, but he soon noticed Mabel’s anxiety, strong enough to disturb him while on a different plane of existence. And so, he returned to the roof, hoping for a little bit of time to himself before he was found.

It wasn’t a particularly pleasant time of contemplation alone, but at least Mabel didn’t see him feeling so divided, broken, and self-destructive.

“There you are, Dipper!” He didn’t bother turning around to greet his sister as she lifted herself onto the roof. “You’re such a jerk-merk, hiding up here and scaring me like that!”

She carefully stepped over to sit down beside him, hugging her legs to her chest, much like the curled-up position he had donned. She elbowed him gently. “Don’t go disappearing like that again, okay?”

“No p̢rơḿįses̀,” he mumbled into his knees, because he really doubted this would be the last time he did that. He heard the entrance to the roof gently close- must’ve been Wendy, since he heard her in the house earlier.

“Were you up here this whole time?” she asked, expression softening, now that her strong emotional state had faded down.

“I’d been somewhere else for a while,” he admitted, eyes flicking over to see her mildly confused expression. “But, well…” He turned his attention back to the view of the forest and clear, blue sky. It looked just about the same as it had all summer, somehow. “The view wasn’t as great.”

“I’m gonna miss this,” Mabel muttered wistfully, taking in the beauty of a place they just might never see again.

Even though this place of danger, adventure, and mystery had also been the place he became… this… he had to agree. “Me too.”

For a while, they just sat there, pretending things were the same as before. They never could be, they both knew that, but it was nice to indulge in wishful thinking.

As usual, it was Mabel who interrupted the silence. “Since, as far as I can tell, you’ve held your end of the agreement, I’ll go do mine.”

Dipper looked over to her incredulously. She ignored it.

“You wanna come with?” she offered as she lifted herself off the shaky shingles. “I know watching someone eat isn’t all that interesting- unless that someone is Manly Dan with all-you-can-eat pancakes- but you can if you want to. It’s okay if you’d rather stay here.”

“No, I’ll- I’ll come with.” Because only Mabel would understand what he needed to hear, that it wasn’t really that bad to make deals, especially the relatively harmless ones, and it’d be fun to see what she’ll put into her Mabel Juice this time around, and he didn’t think he deserved a sister like her.

“Great! You’ll get to say hi to Wendy!” she chirped, her usual cheerful tone starting to come easier to her. “Maybe she can reach those sprinkles Grunkle Stan put up on the top shelf so I couldn’t use them. Ooh, and I think we have some cheese, I can put some in-”

“Thanks, Mabel.” He supposed she wouldn’t think that the things she said were worth his gratitude, but he said it anyway.

Her mouth quirked up into a small smile. “No problem, bro-bro.”

Neither of them had to say it out loud, but they knew that she wanted them to stick together just as much as he did, and that meant more than either could put into words.

It was going to be difficult- talking to their parents was just going to be the first step in their long trek to a sense of normalcy, if such a thing could even exist- but they could do it if they had each other.

Mabel grabbed his hand and dragged him back inside with her, excitedly chattering about everything that came to mind, just like she would do throughout the many years ahead of them.

(Began December 30, 2016, and finished revising March 31, 2017.

Thank you to Mary P. Sue for helping me have the confidence to post this. Seriously.)

[lulus-library-blog]

No title

            I look in the mirror and feel a torrent of bile rise up my throat. I hold it back, barley, and feel a terrible burn as I swallow. I force my eyes up one more time and look back into the mirror. My tears make the mirror look clouded, and I take a sigh of relief as my nerves calm and my stomach settles. I take a breath, like a baby breathing air for the first time, and go about my routine. I tie my hair back into a simple pony tail that keeps back the waves of doubt flooding into my mind. I apply makeup that helps mask my insecurities and the not too subtle features of who and what I once was. I shed my old clothes like my old life, and try to get comfortable with my new self. The new outfit is still lose and ill fitting, but I hope to grow into it soon. I look up and see a new person, someone I have dreamed about for years now. She is not all there yet but the reflection seems less misty than before. It will have to do for today, I suppose.

              The doorbell rings and I am shaken from my thoughts and quickly rush to the door. I’m unsurprised to see my best friend, Maggie, standing patiently, a kind smile on her face. I can’t help but smile back, her calmness an infection spreading through my body and into my heart. The panic and fear from only moments prior seem to vanish in her presence. She adjusts her worn-out leather jacket and awkwardly gestures to her car. I take one last nervous breath and stride out the door, my knees buckling with every step I took.

              The silence in the car is uncomfortable, but neither of us know exactly what to say. We’ve been Friend for years, but for the first time since we met an awkward, oppressive aura looms around. It feels like a piece of lead is laying on my chest, making me unable to utter a sound to help relive this growing dread.

              “So, uh…nice weather?” Maggie weakly says. I stifle a giggle, the ridiculous and out of place question helping ease the atmosphere a bit.

              “I guess so.” I say to her, “All I know is that my allergies have been trying to kill me the past week or so and nothing has helped much. ‘Nice’ isn’t the first word that comes to mind.” Maggie shrugs and smiles an easy going smile. I feel my heart once again lighten up and smile back. Maggie pats my shoulder and looks over to me, the car paused in time at a waiting red.

              “Lil…I know the past year has been super hard, but I want to say I’m proud of you. You very brave for coming this far on your own, you know?” I look away and shrug. I don’t feel that courageous. I can’t help but look back at the window, and see a stranger looking back. The reflection of the woman in the window still feels like a stranger to me, and I fear if I will ever get to know her. All I do is mumble a thank you and let silence fill the car again. The light turns green and life returns to the world, and once again we drive on until a typical, middle class suburban house comes into view.

              The car slows and I my heart races faster than ever before, my breath staring to come in gasps. The beat echoes in my ears and I hear nothing by the thump, thump, thump from in my chest. Maggie is talking again, but I can’t hear anything. I reach out for her hand and look into her eyes, her face becoming blurry and misty as tears cloud my own. She hugs me and pats my head. My heart slows and my breath steadies, life slowly returning and the numbness receding.

              “You okay?” Maggie asks, concern overriding the worry she has for me. I take a deep breath and try to catch some of the words that hung about in the air. Even if its borrowed courage, I can definitely use it now. I look into her eyes and see the reflection of the woman there. I smile and try to lie to them both.

              “I’m okay” I tell them. “I’m going to be okay.” I say to myself. Maggie walks me to my door and heads back to her car, pointing at her phone dramatically. I smile genuinely this time and nod, giving her a quick thumbs up. I turn back to the wooden door in front of me and swallow a scream in my throat. I ring the door bell and hear footsteps approach. The door opens and I see my brother for the first time in a long while. He doesn’t look all that different honestly. Still the same as he was back then with little changed. A kind of time capsule I can look back on and remember a less happy time. He looks at me like a strange. It takes a moment for recognition to register, and his face melts into a look on understanding, then rearranges itself into one of worry.

              “Lu…Lil! We, ah, didn’t know you’d be coming…” he managed to say. I shrug and try to put on my best fake smile.

              “Sorry for showing up out of the blue…are mom and dad home?” I ask, already sure of the answer.

              “Yea…yea the whole family is here. Are you sure you want to come in looking like, uh, that?” He gestured to the stylish heeled boots and up to the small flower hair clip I kept in my hair. I nod and he sighs, reluctantly letting me pass into my once familiar home. The smells of home drifted in the air and the feelings of safety lingered, like an almost forgotten name just on the cusp of a memory, trying its best to not be forgotten. Yet even tinged with this nostalgia, I can’t help but notice the eyes of the people around me, avoiding looking and heads turned slightly away. I bite back a scream and smile as best I could.

              “Hey everyone…I’m home.” I finally say after a few moments of hesitation. I walk over to my parents who were a moment ago talking loudly and happily to their guests, now stare at me with looks of dread and embarrassment. They remember their manners and eventually find the energy to stand and hug me, though I do not feel loving warmth in their arms. The silence of the house is defining, the eyes of everyone around all trained on me. I grab my arms to shield myself from them, but it’s useless. I fell naked and defenseless, all sense of the courage I had mustered till now slowly dripping off of me like a cold sweat. A cough from behind me caught everyone’s attention, and my brother had a bottle of wine in hand. The family rose and pass me, like I was a phantom that was not welcome in this home, and went to flood their questions away before they could their mouths. The only ones left were my mother and father, the only eyes left looking at me. I sat down opposite them and tried my best to seem like I know what I am doing, their gazes stabbing me in the heart. “So,” I say, “how have you two been?” They look at one another and sigh. My mother turns to me and smiles a very familiar one that I see too often in the mirror.

              “It’s been a rough year. Paying of loans for the new house down in Florida, making sure your grandmother is taken care of and happy, and a hundred other problems coming up. We manage but…unnecessary problems are always coming up, I guess.” She says, eyes fixed on mine. My heart clenches and I nod in agreement. She keeps trying to put on a brave face, but her façade falls short and she rushes to the other room to get a drink. My father sits quietly on the couch, all his attention fixed on a football game behind me.

              “How’s work Dad?” I ask, hoping some more small talk would alleviate this awkward loathing. Eyes now on the TV, he shrugs and says no more. I wait patiently for something else, but am left as disappointed as him. I sigh and get up and wander over to my old room, the rest of the gusts not bothering to look my way. It reeks of teenage awkwardness and of bitter memories from a time that would rather be forgotten. Yet as my fingertips touch my forgotten sanctuary, a pleasant nostalgia seeps like poison throughout my body, and soon I am numb with it. I lay on my old bed and look up at a familiar ceiling and close my eyes, a wave of exhaustion overcoming my mind.

I open my eyes to see daylight streaming into the window. I look around and there is no longer dust covering the furniture and the room looks new and well lived in. I sigh and feel tears trickling down my face, remembering when this was in my life. It is in this moment I remember the looks and smiles of my family and of what they hoped I would achieve one day. I remember looking into the mirror and wanting to smash the face I saw every day. I remember the fear and the hatred I had for myself. I realize how easy it would be just to end it all…rather than look at that face again. I feel a knife in my hand suddenly and look at the cold blade, seeing the face of a man I had wished to never see again.

I wake up with a start, a cold sweat breaking across my entire body. I look outside and notice everything was the same. My eyes were closed for but a moment, but I feel like it had been an eternity relived. I go to the bathroom and look up at my face, and see the woman I so wish to see. Her face is looking more familiar than before, and much clearer than a while back. I touch the mirror and smile a little, for the first time today a genuine one.  

              I take out my phone and type a few words to Maggie before returning to the main living room, the party back in full swing. I grasp the attention to those who refuse to see me with my presence, but ignore them and simply sit and wait.

              “So,” someone asks eventually, “how are things with you?” I notice they don’t say my name. I shrug and lean back in my chair.

              “Not too terrible. Treatment is expensive and everything, but I think it’s going well. What do you think?” They awkwardly nod and move to a new subject. I can’t help but smile at this and see my father not too happy with my answer. I look him in the eyes for the first time that day, and smile. He can only huff and goes back to watching his game, any chance of talking now forever lost to the screen.  

              The phone in my lap vibrates and I look down, another genuine smile appearing on my face. I stand up without a word and leave, the people around me who were before silent now curious very curious about me. I approach the door, but stop as I hear hurried footsteps behind me. Turning I see my mother, a look of concern I don’t think I had ever seen plastered on her face.

              “Where are you going?” she asks. I shrug and point to my phone.

              “Work called. Need to get back and write some things up for tomorrow.” The lie leaves my lips so easily, it feels oddly natural and right. I smile to my mother and shrug. “Don’t want to have any problems, right?” I open the door and start my walk out, when my mother grabs my sleeve and calls out.

              “Luis! Don’t turn away from me!” she yells. I stop in my tracks. A name that I had hoped died years ago had reared its ugly head again. I let the name hang in the air for a moment before turning to face my mother, and I see in her eyes the ghost of the man my family wish I could be. From the tiny gasp I hear escape her lips, I think she understands that Luis is dead and buried.

              “Bye Mom.” I say. I close the door gently behind me. I breathe the now night air and feel how cool it feels on my skin. It feels like I had never really breathed in real air, but the crispness of it all removes any numbness from my body. I walk a ways down the street until I see Maggie leaning against her car. I can’t help but think she looks cool in her rugged boots and worn leather jacket. The kind of woman I wanted to be since we met. Yet I look down at my own cute outfit and smile. This feels more right.

              “How’d it go?” Maggie asked. I shrugged and she smiled.

              “It was nice to say good-bye.” I replied. She nodded and pointed to the car with her thumb.

              “Want to get a burger? My treat.” She knows I won’t say no to free food, so I nod happily and get into the car, seatbelt already hooked in and a look of need before she even sits down. We speed of into the night and I look at my reflection of the window and see myself in the passing street lights. I feel like, for once, things might be okay.

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The Eunji Diaries - Loose Pages 1-5

Loose Page #1

I'd expected a boring day, seeing as we were only going down to the mall to get some things for Gunwoo, and then coming home to pack. But it got really interesting when we ran into someone named Insoo, well not ran into exactly. Ji stopped in front of the gym and just stared at him and his friend until they noticed, well Insoo kind of fell and we laughed at him. I guess Ji met him in a club or something, but him and his friend looked extremely attractive working out, honestly how does someone get that attractive? It's a shame their personalities left something to be desired.

They ended up following us around the mall, which was fine - I guess. Seyong, Insoo's friend, he was extremely loud - well not loud exactly, it was more him showing off I suppose. He was really flirtatious, he spent the whole day hitting on me or making comments hinting, not so subtly, that we should sleep together.

Until lunch where he flipped and was just plain rude.

They wanted to play a game, which was basically a game to get to know each other I guess, we were suppose to tell them something about ourselves. I didn't want to play, I didn't know them, had never said I was going to play, I didn't care if Ji met them in a club, I didn't know them - I wasn't sure I wanted too. So I didn't want to tell them things about me, even small things.

I guess Seyong didn't like that too much, so I told them something minimal which he also didn't like because he insisted on making comments about it anyway. I guess he doesn't like not getting his own way. I wonder if he's bipolar?

Insoo wasn't so bad though, he seemed genuine, he was still a little bro-ish but he was nice enough. It was entertaining to watch him and Ji bicker over seeing each other again when she knew that we would be sharing a house soon. Both boys were really shocked when Gunwoo came to get us.

Honestly, I wasn't sure how I felt about moving into the dorm with them, plus two more people - three including their manager. I was so use to it being just me, Jiyeon, and Gunwoo. It'd been that way since our parents died when we were eight. I was use to just the three of us, I knew how to gauge their moods and I didn't have to worry about them getting mad and yelling at me. But five new people with different personalities? If they were like Seyong I could see them clashing which would only start arguments and I don't know if I can handle that.

Maybe I should just go live with Ji in her apartment?

Just thinking about it was making me nervous, this was a really big change and I'm not so sure I'm ready for it. It's hard enough handling anxiety when I get stressed with University, I don't know what to expect going into the dorm.

Why did I agree to this?

Loose Page #2

We were suppose to be moving tomorrow, everything was already in the car ready to be moved. I'd talked to Ji about living in her apartment instead of the dorm, she'd seriously thought about it but ended up convincing me to stay in the dorm. She'd only be gone a few days a week and Gunwoo would be there the rest of the time, I couldn't judge the other members without meeting them and I might have misjudged Seyong, at least that what she said. So here I was ready to move tomorrow.

Well ready wasn't the exact word I'd use, I mean if by ready you mean everything is all ready to go to the dorm, then sure I was ready. But I wasn't prepared to leave, mental I'd been spending the last few days talking myself into it and talking myself out of it and all I'd managed to do was confuse myself. But I'd told Ji that I would go and give it a chance, if they were as bad as I thought they'd be then I could always just hide in my room right?

I was just getting myself worked up over nothing, maybe if I keep telling myself that, I might start to believe it.

Loose Page #3

So we moved today, it wasn't as bad as I thought I guess, but it wasn't so great either.

It seemed fine, when we got to the 'dorm', it wasn't a dorm, it was a two story house. There was no way this is the dorm the company was putting them in - was was guessing Gunwoo had a part to play in this. Anyway, we met JunQ and Chaejin, we sat and talked to them while we waited for Seyong and Insoo. They were really welcoming, JunQ and Chaejin I mean, I think I might have met Chaejin before actually, seeing as we got to the same university.

So I'd worried about what they'd be like for no reason. I could have been wrong about Seyong too, today was a new day, he might have been having an off day when I'd met him, right?

Wrong. He seemed fine with everyone else, maybe it was just me he didn't like?

He was seriously not happy about the way the rooms had been assigned. He felt entitled to the room Ji and I had because he was going to be the idol, not us, so why shouldn't he and Insoo get the room with the extra space and it's own bathroom? Insoo didn't seem to be all that bothered by it though.

Honestly, I didn't mind which room I was in, sure it was more practical for the girls to share one bathroom and the guys to share another but I wasn't really phased by it. I would have given him the stupid room to shut him up if Han Seung, their manager, hadn't of made it clear the assigned rooms weren't changing.

Well, he tried to be clear. But there were visible signed that he was a little scared of Seyong, which didn't make me feel all that comfortable.

Insoo had assured us that Seyong would have had a tantrum if anyone but him had gotten the room and not to take it personally. By the way he said it, I assumed Seyong wasn't a stranger to throwing tantrums. Ji still tried to convince me that he might not be so bad, I think it was more so I would relax than something she actually believed.

I would have been more open to believing her if it didn't seem like he took every chance he had to prove that he was in fact, an ass. Okay, I was being a little unfair, I did barely know him, But seriously, was he always a jerk or did he actually be nice to people sometimes?

He didn't want to go to the market with me so I tried to help him get out of it, but then he got crabby because I said I would wait for Gunwoo. The entire time we were out was uncomfortable and awkward, except for when he was just being rude. Then he was almost nice when walked between me and the road. But don't worry, he made up for his laps in nice behavior by being an ass the rest of the trip.

I didn't ask you to come with me, and I tried to get you out of it. It's not my fault, why be an ass to me? I should have just gone by myself, you didn't help carry anything, all you did was complain, insult me, and tell me to hurry up. Were you born a complete and utter jerk or did you just become one?

If that wasn't enough, he decided to help wash my clothes by splashing me with hot soapy water when he dropped his dishes in the sink. At least Insoo was nice enough to help, and he didn't have to apologize on Seyong's behalf. I'll just avoid Seyong the best I can.

Loose Page #4

Today started out pretty good. I felt good, I went out with MinTwins and Minwoo. We went to the market so Kwangmin could buy some clothes, the twins argued and got under each others skin like they always do. Then I went to lunch with Ji, who was still certain that her and Insoo were just 'having fun'. It was clear that she was feeling more than just having fun for him but I didn't debate the point. It was a pretty normal day, well, until I went home.

I tried to start a casual conversation with Seyong, my mistake. I'm trying not to judge him but he's not making it easy. He tried to convince me to go out with him to 'have some fun' like I was that easy, he didn't like it too much when I said no. He kind of just ignored me until dinner. Well until after Zelo called.

I'd missed Zelo, and Ricky. I'd been friends with them so long I didn't know what it was even like before them. Anyway Zelo got back tonight so he's going to be at the university on Monday, Ricky was suppose to be back on Sunday but his flight could always be delayed or something, I wasn't getting my hopes up.

So I talked to Zelo for a while, when I got off the phone Seyong assumed the reason I'd rejected him was because I was dating Zelo, seriously?

Firstly, Zelo is basically a second brother. And secondly, does there have to be a reason for me to say no? Other than the fact I'm not interested? Not everyone is interested in you. Some people actually prefer someone who is nice and care, not someone who is only out to sleep with them.

Does this really work for you? I mean are there honestly girls out their that fall for this crap? If there is they clearly have no dignity or self respect. So why don't you go and find them? Because I'm not that type of girl, I don't just sleep with guys as pretty as they might be, just because they offer.

I really hope he got the message because I don't want to have to deal with it on a daily basis. Sure, he's attractive with his defined body line, that you can see under basically every shirt he's worn so far - So I've only seen him in like three outfits the two and a half days I've known him but it's not exactly hard to tell what is under there. And his perfect blonde hair, with his perfect face, even his smirk. But I'm not one of those girls that get's drunk and becomes super easy to pick up.

Seriously, what was his problem?

Loose Page #5

I had a Zelo day today, we hadn't had one since before he went on tour like a month ago. It consisted of just the two of us going down to the market and eating a whole lot of street food that we never completely finished. Then we usually walked around the market aimlessly for a while until he walked me home. We use to do this every Saturday before Zelo debuted, now we just do it as often as we can, sometimes Ricky will even tag along if he's not too busy.

I was so happy he was back, I always miss him when he goes on tour. I have no one to talk to the same way I talk t him. I mean sure I have Ji, and I tell her pretty much everything but there were still little things she didn't know but Zelo did. He was really good with his words, he knows how to tell me things even if I don't want to hear it out agree with it. Ji had a different approach, I wasn't really sure how to explain it, she was more protective I guess. There was just some things that I told Zelo and didn't tell Ji.

Anyway, we sat down and ate, we he ate and I started telling him what had been going on since he'd been gone, even though I'd already told him via phone or message.

Somehow I ended up ranting about Seyong, which I seemed to be doing a lot lately. He was just so frustrating, the only point today where we even remotely conversed, he was a total ass. What did I expect, honestly? So Zelo just sat there eating while my rambling turned into ranting, he listened until I'd finished and then said some things to make me feel better.

We wondered around the market after that, not that we bought anything, it was more something to do while we talked and just enjoyed each others company.

I don't know how I ended up with a friend like Zelo but I was seriously happy about it.

[freefallersunite]

Lavender & Violence

By Chanelle Coates

  Violet felt things very deeply. On the one hand, she oculd not envision a life free from strong emotions, on the other, it was often difficult to fall asleep at night or function soundly during the day. She wondered what it would be like to fall in love. It was already a descent that made normal people less acquainted with their sanity. What would it possibly do to her?

She wondered this in the mornings when she swished spearmint mouthwash and spat into the sink. She wondered on the city bus as she rode down to campus. Sometimes her heart felt like it would burst from happiness when she listened to a new song. What on Earth would happen if a boy’s lips brushed near her ear and whispered her name and what would her heart do if they travelled to her mouth and made contact there? She pondered this foreign subject often but she never did so more than when she was in her Novelist’s of Canada class.

Logan sat in the seat next to hers, and by default they would often pair up when they had to do in class assignments. The cleverly crafted questions posed on the sheets by their teacher were either absurd or absurdly difficult. They would be stuck on number one for a year and then make a team decision to skip it. Then they would laugh together because the next question was structured exactly the same way. Laughing was a curious bridge; it connected two people together and contracted, pulling the riverbanks closer together. Each time Logan laughed, she was surprised she didn’t fall to the floor and die a most blissful death. But she managed to remain on upright on her chair and watched the irises of his eyes spin around fast like vinyl records, lit up with a hazel light. But they always laughed about the class material; it was never a personal joke. She craved something that went below this surface camaraderie.

Each night she wished on eleven eleven that they would go on a tangent. She begged the flat red numbers of her alarm clock to teleport into his heart and inspire him to get to know her. Then she would take the miniature glass bottle on her dresser and sprinkle her pillowcase with lavender drops. She climbed into bed and took deep inhalations. On the exhale small fractions of her stress would escape through the crack under her door and it would wait for her in the hallway until the next morning. One night, after performing this ritual, she slipped into the alternate consciousness of sleep and was standing in a field of lavender. The moon shone and when she looked up all the stars began falling out the sky. Suddenly, she was standing on a lake of light. Then she dove in and the rest of her night was dreamless.

The next morning, Violet drank from the water bottle by her bed and got dressed in an outfit she has never worn in public. She decided that if she didn’t step outside her comfort zone a little more, she wouldn’t age well. She would be sporting flat gray hair and a miserable scowl soon enough. She was young but she wasn’t stupid. A year would pass, and then five, then that five would turn into thirty. She grabbed a mason jar that had been sitting on her desk for a few days and unscrewed the lid. It was a spontaneous moment of inspiration but she figured it was worth a shot. She opened her bedroom door and at once the mist of stress and fear rose up from the floor and flew at her with the intention of entering through her pores. But she was agile and held the jar in front of her like a weapon, scooping the enemy and imprisoning it with the cap. She made sure it was tightly sealed and shoved it into her underwear drawer. With that out of the way and some newfound force in her muscles, she went to do her makeup.

She looked at the final product: her eyebrows were soft brown perfection and something about the red leggings and cropped hoodie made her waste look like a beacon and her teeth look like new porcelain. Violet ate her cereal and then took the city bus to school, floating on her chair the whole way down. She couldn’t wait to see Logan. It was near the end of the semester and if she was going to make a connection, today would have to be the day.

But the class came around at 11:30 and although she had had the best intentions, she couldn’t bring herself to ask those dumb questions she had prepared all morning. “How was your weekend?” “Whoa, I really like your sweater, where’d you get it from? Oh sweet, yea handmade things are always the best!” When he walked in and sat next to her, she tried to speak but the hesitation delayed her and then the teacher started talking. As seconds and minutes trickled by, each occasion felt less like an opportunity. She thought she would sound stupid or fake. Why would she ask him things like this on the very last day when she hadn’t done so all semester? It’s as if the purple mist could teleport. A glass jar was perhaps insufficient when it was so used to being in her head and chest. It found it’s way back to her so fast she hadn’t noticed until it was heavy and there.

 “I’m hoping to have the grades posted in two weeks time. No promises though! Now get outta here.” The professor dismissed them and that was it. No relationship with Logan. Barely even a friendship. This is what all her daydreams had amounted to: absolutely nothing.

But then something happened. He opened the door for her. This was the first ttime it was obvious. No holding the door while walking out and not really looking back. No question of whether it was for her or someone else. He opened it, smiled and let her walk through. She was so happy that a gust of wind unhooked fifteen maple leaves from their branches. They fell down like confetti.

“Thanks. By the way I really like your sweater.” She knew it sounded little rushed but she made herself do it quickly before she could back down.

“Thanks! My grandmother knit it for me actually.”

“Cool! Handmade is always the best.”

They had a small conversation and even though they didn’t discuss much, she couldn’t believe it was happening. It was a little nerve-racking but all in all it went well. Why had she fallen in love with this guy the second she met him and paint him out to be some kind of god? She had glorified his looks and convinced herself that he was unattainable to the point where she could hardly speak. A person wasn’t supposed to be attained. But this was not impossible, this was-

“Hey do you want to exchange numbers?”

“Oh! Ya, sure.”

A day later he texted her “Hey, how’s it going?”. A week later they wee on their first date. Logan knocked on her apartment door at 7 o’clock and she could hear it from the bathroom. The mirror was so shiny in this moment that she wondered if it was made of crystal. She could see every one of her flaws but she could also see her sheer red lip and the little curls near the nape of her neck. She took everything in and then a deep breath. She laced up her shoes, completely aware that he could see her through the window pane. And then she made her hand open the door, a door to a world full of color and violence. It threatened her constant practice of taking deep inhalations and smelling lavender. It was a world full of anxiety but also of greater possibilities and that’s what made it worth it. From behind his back, Logan handed her a blue cup with a straw instead of a bouquet.

“What’s that?” she asked.

“Liquid luck.”

“So alcohol then?”

“Vodka to be precise.”

“And you just want me to drink that and trust that you haven’t done anything to it?”

“Violet you can do whatever you want.”

For better or worse, she thought “fuck it”. She sipped once and then took his outstretched hand. Things were happening so fast but they were good and she didn’t want them to stop. He led her across the road to the bus stop, letting go of her hand to fish change out of the back pocket of his jeans.

“Are we taking the bus anywhere?”

“Kind of.” he answered, grinning.

“What do you mean kind of?” But he only answered with another smile.

“Ah. There it is.” he said, indicating the bus with a glance up the hill. Her handed her $3, 25 and when the massive prism came rolling to a halt he let her get on first. Then he put his hand on her back and guided her to the end of the bus.

“So…” Logan took a sip from the cup then gave it to her and she did the same. “I was thinking you could tell me all your favorite things because one I’m curious and two so that I can be better equipped. For example, knowing your favorite flower would help with that. How’s that sound?” He raised his eyebrows and Violet could hardly understand how attractive he was.

“That sounds good but on one condition.”

“What’s that?” he asked, amused.

“You’ve got to tell me all your favorite things too.” She was glad that this playfulness was coming easily to her. These quick sentences were popping into her head like gifts and she genuinely wanted to know more about him, so that helped.

“Okay deal. Tulips.”

“Your favorite flower?” she laughed.

“Hey! They remind me of when I went to Europe. Yours?”

“Yellow roses. They remind me of my grandmother’s garden in the summertime.”

“Lovely. Okay, what’s your favorite season?”

“Spring.” She looked at him expectantly.

“Summer, for sure.”

They continued like this for some time and Violet forgot to look out the windows to figure out where they were headed. In fact, she was having so much fun she didn’t even care if they got off the bus. After about fifty minutes, Logan stood and so she did too. They got off and when it grew apparent that they were waiting for another bus, she asked him “Logan, is your idea of a first date Smirnoff and 2 hours of public transport?”

“You forgot the favorite game and the getting to know each other! And I prefer to think of it as riding city buses at night with a very beautiful girl. It sounds nicer. Is this a subpar first date?”

“No. No actually it’s the best date I’ve ever been on. Granted, the only date. But the best by far!” At this they laughed and looked at one another for a long moment which faded out their laughter and everything else. Violet looked at his face and took everything in, her gaze resting on his lips last. In due time, his mouth was pressed against hers. She felt like this was the singular best place in the world. Forget Paris or the Grand Canyon or Rome. This place with him was all three of those and more. There were stars in her head and oceans in her stomach, prairie fields in her chest. She had never felt like this before; the was no slight desire to be anywhere else but there.

Another bus rolled up beside them and its noise made them pull away. His smile confirmed that he enjoyed this place as much as she did.

One morning, about a month later, Violet woke up without her alarm clock. Instead she had given herself the gentle liberty of sleeping in and letting the sunlight wake her up. The purple entity had been acting weird lately. She knew it was always there, ready to pounce but… it simply hadn’t. After getting over the initial fear of talking to Logan, their interactions were simply fun and meaningful and there was little time to worry.

She got out of bed and warmed up with a shower. As she lathered yellow shampoo gel into her scalp, YouTube sung songs to her. The melodies were conducive to particular imagery in her head. His eyes and his face close to hers. His hands and the sound of his breath catching. They were supposed to go to the Christmas-themed fireworks in the park that night and it would be a long day waiting for him to pick her up.

Violet told herself she would do some reading until then but her mind was untamable. Instead she chose outfits and did laundry. She tried on clothes and blasted music from her color-changing i-Home in order to make the purple mist cower under her bed. She felt like her Logan were getting closer and closer and she found herself wanting him more and more. She didn’t know how far things would go later.

At the fireworks, Logan stood behind her and both his and her hands were in Violet’s mittens because he had forgotten his own. Everyone’s breath rose up in the air like they were all collaborating to create a fog machine. Then the first crack sounded and colors began bursting. For minutes, green, red, silver, gold and blue were jumping, twisting and raining in the sky. Both children and adults gasped and after about seven minutes, Violet realized something: it was like she had jumped off a cliff in a cartoon. She was suspended in the air for some moments, but as soon as she realized she was going to fall, she plummeted. She was falling in love fast and hard with this boy an she couldn’t do anything to stop it or lessen the impact. A massive purple firework exploded in the sky but she closed her eyes. She turned around and kissed him deeply and then said “Race you to the car!” Without questioning her he began sprinting and they flew under trees and around part of the lake, up the hill to the parking lot.

Logan reached the car first and announced his victory. “I beat you!” he exclaimed, panting.

“That’s cause I gave you a head start!”

“Are you kidding? You started running before me!”

Violet ran to him and jumped into his arms, kissing him.

 “Let’s go to my apartment Logan.” It was the most agonizing five minute car ride of her life.

They ran up to her room, shedding their outerwear here and there on the stairs. A winter boot went flying into the wall and bounced onto the landing. Everything outside the room simply ceased to exist. She hardly knew where to put her hands because she wanted to put them everywhere. And she did.

The next morning, they didn’t have the chance to lay in bed and absorb the fact that they had sex. All Violet wanted to do was rest in his arms and breathe slowly. Instead, Logan’s phone rang and she could hear the person on the other end crying, his mother likely. He jumped up and dressed within seconds.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“I gotta go. Sorry but I gotta go.”

She darted to the front window and watched his red car pull out of the driveway and speed down the road. It was like watching fire travel down a line of gasoline. She knew something was wrong with his family and she felt paralyzed that he hadn’t taken three seconds to tell her what it was. She flicked on her bedroom light and to her shock the whole room was bathed in purple. The bulb had been changed in the night.

All day she agonized over what to do. Be a supportive girlfriend and drive over to his house? What if he just wanted to be with his family? What if he didn’t want to be held? She would probably embarrass herself in the process of trying to comfort him. She wouldn’t know what to say. What if someone he loved died? How could she be thinking of herself right now? But no matter how much she tried to force herself to be a supportive girlfriend, to be a decent human, she could not escape this paralysis. The purple mist was coiling around her throat and solidifying all week. Violet did not text him, call him, or see him. She did not reach out and help the person she loved because she felt like anything she did would fall short. And so she shut herself into her room and breathed purple air, suffocating from her own inadequacy.

It took a whole year before she stopped feeling ashamed and lovesick. All four seasons had to pass before she could accept that she had failed someone on such a level and that that needn’t define her forever. She had regretted ever opening up to another person, ever thinking she could outsmart the purple for one second. She scolded herself for being so foolish.

But then after another year, she went to the swimming pool and couldn’t help but notice the lifeguard. She realized she was going to try again, despite past pain and regardless of how many times she swore she would never be fooled twice. She smiled at the lifeguard while walking by him and dove into the purple pool.

[onewhodresses-blog]

Meet Tales of Anyday

What is sustainable fashion? Like the concept of style, the answer to this question is not straightforward. There's a tendency to focus on talking points and labels and figures, but in this process, much depth is lost. Introducing Brands Doing Better, a series aimed at enriching and humanizing the conversation on sustainability in fashion. The series will feature interviews with designers who are committed to producing fashion with integrity. You'll learn about inspiring designers, get an inside look into what motivates them, what they struggle with, what they believe in, and what they strive for. Through this intimate conversation, my hope is that we can see sustainability not as checklist or a scorecard, but as a genuine outgrowth of human conscience and curiosity; a part of a larger struggle we are collectively facing to reconcile our material desires with our moral demands. 

The most significant thing that I could hope to come out of this series is a conversation. In the comments section below, please chime in. Share your opinion or your confusion. Ask questions. Celebrate the work. Or push back. As far as I can see, this kind of dialogue is what we all need to find a way to do better.

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Kicking the series off is designer Sintija Avotniece with her Copenhagen-based label Tales of Anyday. As an emerging independent brand, hers is precisely the kind that holds promise for re-calibrating the fashion industry and shifting it in a more sustainable direction: away from the pursuit of more towards the pursuit of better. Meet Tales of Anyday.

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How did you realize you wanted to be a fashion designer?

There was always a part of me that secretly dreamed about it. I grew up in Latvia after the fall of the Soviet Union. My mom always made her own clothes because under Soviet rule and for a while afterwards, you couldn’t exactly buy much. It was out of necessity, yes, but also out of her need to look and feel beautiful, which was so inspiring for me. Some of the garments she made I still wear today. But I didn’t come from a traditional arts background, so it was never anything more than a secret dream. In Latvia, the path to working in the arts or with anything creative is almost destined. You start from a very early age and continue onwards. Since that wasn’t my case, I felt like there was no way I could ever become a designer. And then one day, somehow all of the roads in my life just lead to it. I risk sounding cliché, but it really just happened. It has been a lot of hard work, and it still is, but some of it was not so intentional. 

 What motivated your commitment to sustainability in your work?

My first introduction to sustainability was informal- I just educated myself on the topic. I realized I loved it, and went on to complete a BA and an MA in Sustainable Fashion. It was really just clear to me that a sustainable practice was the only way possible for me to design and produce my collections with a clear conscience. I still have a long way to go to reach the level of sustainability that I want to achieve, but I see no other way forward. And I firmly believe this: what can be more beautiful than aesthetically appealing clothing that is also made with respect for nature and people?

One of the challenges is in defining sustainable fashion because it is such a complex topic that involves trade-offs and competing priorities. Vegans may wear synthetic materials to avoid animal byproducts; advocates for natural materials avoid synthetic materials at all costs. Both are trying to be more sustainable. What do you believe constitutes sustainable fashion?

Sustainable fashion is a very complex topic. What is sustainable for someone might not be for someone else. When it comes to fashion and sustainability, so many situations invite finger pointing, and I think there is no room for that. You never know the back story; you can never judge someone’s decisions without being in their position. What’s more useful from my perspective is for sustainability to be seen as a personal set of choices. In order for it to become universal, I think it has to be personal first. We should each define what is sustainable for ourselves in our own lives given our own values. 

 What makes Tales of Anyday a sustainable brand?

I try to incorporate sustainable values in many ways. I work with natural and environmentally friendly fabrics, and all of my clothing is made under fair conditions either in Denmark (where I produce some of the samples and pieces myself) or in Latvia.

I also strive to create designs that are sustainable from an aesthetic and functional point of view. Because design itself can also be sustainable if the garment is able to last more than just a season from an aesthetic perspective. I believe in producing quality clothes because it’s also sustainable for someone to be able wear a piece regularly over a long period of time and for the piece to hold up. I collect all production cut-offs rather than disposing of them to turn them into wearable pieces. I try to create as little waste as possible because it is absolutely shocking how much waste is generated in the production of a garment.

As for the future, I plan on moving more into zero waste design and also experimenting more with natural dyes and printing methods. In general, there are so many sustainable qualities I want to introduce in my production, but it can be financially challenging to do that as an independent brand. So I’m trying to do my best one step at a time. 

"I don’t believe in saving clothing for special occasions; I make clothes to be worn now."

What do you think about the role consumption plays in our modern relationship with fashion?

Collectively, the way we consume has to change. Today it’s all about quantity. Many people feel like they need a new outfit for every occasion. Years ago, it was the opposite; you’d carefully select a beautiful dress and wear it on countless occasions for years and years. The trick was to transform it with creative accessories or to mix and match things in your closet—basically playing with style, whereas today, it’s all about fashion. And fashion by definition can’t be sustainable as it relates to current trends; it has a timed life cycle. So, perhaps the goal shouldn’t be sustainable fashion, since that's impossible, but sustainable style instead. Maybe the term “fashion” should be replaced with another word, like “apparel” or “something else to shift us away from the idea that our clothes have to change all the time.

 What is your philosophy as a human being, and how does that relate to your philosophy as a brand?

I believe in the beauty of simple things and life for me is in the here and now. Living in the moment is my ultimate goal and it intimately reflects in my designs. I am always working to make clothes that foster a connection to the present moment. I don’t believe in saving clothing for special occasions; I make clothes to be worn now. Because, really, there are no special days; life is happening right now and I find a lot of beauty in that simple truth.

What should fashion do for women?

Fashion should inspire women, it should make them feel beautiful and comfortable in their own skin. It should also allow a woman to express her personality. And fashion should be for no one else but the woman who wears it.

In the 1950s and 60s, one of the philosophies behind Danish design was that beautiful things enhance our everyday lives. That is something I believe in very much. So fashion should also enhance the beauty of our everyday lives.

"Beautiful things enhance our everyday lives. "

What is style?

Style is a reflection of one’s personality, a form of self expression.

What is your personal approach to getting dressed?  My wardrobe consists of favorite pieces and basics that I can easily mix and match. A lot of what I wear are samples of my own designs, which I wear to test. As soon as I make a piece of clothing, I want to know how it feels against the skin, how easy it is to take care of the it, and so forth, so I test my garments myself.

What I wear depends a lot on the day and my mood. I have some days where I find an outfit that I love and basically wear the same thing over several days. Then other days I feel like wearing something a bit different or mixing more random things together from my closet.

When it comes to buying new pieces, I try to be really strict with myself and strategic (apart from random finds from vintage shops or while traveling). I try to buy things I can wear over many seasons and mix with pieces that have a story of how and where I got them. This way my clothing becomes more personal and I don’t feel the need to change my wardrobe every season because it’s like a part of me.

What do you want a woman to feel wearing Tales of Anyday? What do you want her to know about the clothes you've made for her?

I want her to feel like herself. I design the clothes to make women feel comfortable and beautiful in their own skin. I would like her to know that I’d be very happy if she treasures the clothing for a long time. My intention is not and will never be to sell huge amounts of clothing, but instead to sell clothing that women feel compelled to keep in their closet for years. And of course, I want her to know that I stand for respecting the people around us and our beautiful environment.

 What is one thing you dream of a woman wearing Tales of Anyday to do?

I dream of women wearing Tales of Anyday to appreciate the little things in life. It’s so easy for those to pass us by, so my dream is to create clothing that women feel so relaxed and comfortable and confident in that they can be truly present. I imagine friends meeting on a random Wednesday and making time during the busy week to connect and laughing together wearing my clothes. That would make me very happy. Of course, I also dream of the women who wear my clothes sharing the same values of respecting other people and the environment and spreading them in the world. 

You can shop Tales of Anyday on Tictail here and soon on Kiind here. Follow the brand on Instagram here.